Grief

Sometimes I can't turn to my friends and family about the deep loss of a loved one I have faced. It is a family member, very close, one of the closest. Years ago. Their birthday would have been recently. I thought I would be okay, but I kept crying off and on without wanting to, and even now that it's passed I still feel like I keep wanting to cry and I'm not the type to cry. This type of grief is so painful that I feel like sometimes I can't always share it with the people closest to me. My boyfriend, my mom, my best friends, and others in my life, because I don't want firstly to cause them pain, and secondly I don't want pity. I hate that they hurt and get this look, this helpless, deer in headlights, painful not knowing what to do to fix this, look, which then dissolves into this sort of poor you look when I bring it up. So I just don't very often. I keep it to myself or talk to people online sometimes. I can't stand that look. I don't want that look.

I just want to be able to cry once in a while, get a hug, have them listen, and move on. But even telling them that, doesn't stop the look. I think with this level of pain, it's impossible for people to feel like that is enough. It is enough because it's all they can do. It helps a lot. But they don't seem to believe me. So I turn to strangers to vent it out. I cry alone plenty because I can't stand that damned look.

I miss this person so deeply that every day reminds me that I'll never be who I was when they were alive. I'll always be different. I'll always miss them. I'll always be without them. This gaping wound in my heart will never heal. It just won't. People say it does. They're liars. It's been years. Maybe it heals if you've lost a distant relative or a friend, but it doesn't heal if you've lost someone you've always known, lived with, and was a part of who you are. It just doesn't.

All you can do is keep living and trying to work around it. I don't even know what I'm "confessing" to. I guess that I just hate the pity and try to avoid it by preferring to turn to internet strangers rather than people dear to me.

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  • I'm sorry for your loss. I feel like I wrote everything you did. You probably won't believe this I've feel very similar to you and I've done the same as you. Looking anonymously online for support. I've found they're the only ones who could truly understand. They've been through what I have. But in the end online support isn't enough. They can't give you hugs. I've lost so many people in my life, all close loved ones, and no one I know even comes close to going through things I've gone through. So I feel they can't understand. I don't want to share with them because I absolutely HATE when people feel sorry for me. And their looks when I spill even a fraction of what I've been though say it all. I don't need or want their pity. I just want someone to understand, to hug me, hold me, let me cry on their shoulder and tell me everything will be ok. At least it's what I needed when I suffered those losses.
    You never fully "heal" when you loose someone you love. There will always be that hole inside you that opens every so often. On the birthdays and anniversary dates, holidays, etc. It's been decades for me. The pain isn't as strong as it used to be but it does rear its ugly head. You will never forget the person you lost but your life will move on. No, you won't be the same person as if they were here but life does go on. Someday you will find someone you feel comfortable enough talking to. I really hope you do. You're not alone.

  • Nothing wrong with grief. Its natural. You might want to go into grief therapy and discuss your feelings with people who have suffered a similar loss. You don't need to suffer alone or in silence. Good luck.

  • S***, I know I make that face sometimes because I feel deeply for people who have and are going through terrible things. I know from experience I just want to do everything I can to let that person know I care for them and will pray for them to have love and joy in their life. I'm don't pity them as I've been through h*** myself; but will think twice about my facial expressions

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