Sometimes I can't turn to my friends and family about the deep loss of a loved one I have faced. It is a family member, very close, one of the closest. Years ago. Their birthday would have been recently. I thought I would be okay, but I kept crying off and on without wanting to, and even now that it's passed I still feel like I keep wanting to cry and I'm not the type to cry. This type of grief is so painful that I feel like sometimes I can't always share it with the people closest to me. My boyfriend, my mom, my best friends, and others in my life, because I don't want firstly to cause them pain, and secondly I don't want pity. I hate that they hurt and get this look, this helpless, deer in headlights, painful not knowing what to do to fix this, look, which then dissolves into this sort of poor you look when I bring it up. So I just don't very often. I keep it to myself or talk to people online sometimes. I can't stand that look. I don't want that look.
I just want to be able to cry once in a while, get a hug, have them listen, and move on. But even telling them that, doesn't stop the look. I think with this level of pain, it's impossible for people to feel like that is enough. It is enough because it's all they can do. It helps a lot. But they don't seem to believe me. So I turn to strangers to vent it out. I cry alone plenty because I can't stand that damned look.
I miss this person so deeply that every day reminds me that I'll never be who I was when they were alive. I'll always be different. I'll always miss them. I'll always be without them. This gaping wound in my heart will never heal. It just won't. People say it does. They're liars. It's been years. Maybe it heals if you've lost a distant relative or a friend, but it doesn't heal if you've lost someone you've always known, lived with, and was a part of who you are. It just doesn't.
All you can do is keep living and trying to work around it. I don't even know what I'm "confessing" to. I guess that I just hate the pity and try to avoid it by preferring to turn to internet strangers rather than people dear to me.