It feels like I'm going crazy
As life goes on, I'm becoming less tolerant and more irritable. Is this normal? I'm only 19! I already suffer from anxiety, but almost every day I am stressed out.
I honestly can't stand being with my family. They are all selfish and childish. But there's no way to escape because I spent all the time I should have been preparing to be an adult looking after my younger brothers because my parents were either never around, too lazy, busy with their drama, or frequently going out. Seriously, it's like my parents are in their own world leaving their kids to fend for themselves.
I'm grateful to them for bringing food to the table and keeping a roof over our heads. But JFC, I NEED TO LEAVE. Now it's impossible to and I have no idea where to start because I have no sense of direction. No one was guiding me along when I was a teen on what to do as an adult. Now they keep saying "You're an adult. You should know what to do." whenever I ask for help.
I've been trying to get a driving instructor after the first one I had began saying inappropriate things that made me uncomfortable. It's taking forever. That was back in October. I can't pay for it because I have no way of getting a job since all the stores are far from where I live. I babysit every now and then. It doesn't pay much, but I am grateful for it because it's a start.
I want to take college classes but again... How can I without transportation or money? It is a privilege so I don't worry too much about it but it still bothers me because it makes me feel unaccomplished.
There is ALWAYS family drama, one way or another. It's so loud in the house. I can't go anywhere without bumping into someone. Someone is always trying to control or manipulate the other. Feelings are criticized, judged or misunderstood. My older brother is a dictator, my younger brother is a Negative Nancy, and I have huge resentment towards my parents to even want to be around them. I get along with the youngest brother, but what am I going to talk about with a 9 year old? The Meaning of Life?
I've isolated myself from my friends because I feel ashamed about being stuck in this part of my life instead of progressing the way they have. I don't think they'd even understand my situation or care to. I don't even know if I want to tell them because it's too much. Too long.
I do have a long distance boyfriend who barely has time for me and gets upset whenever I tell him I wish we had more time together, always saying "I've failed you" and it's like... really? Though I've realized the reason I want more time with him is because I feel really lonely. When he's busy and then makes me feel guilty for wanting more time, it doesn't help. It makes me feel like I mean nothing to him.
I'm even saving up the little money I have to go visit him, and he's talking about us living together, but I have no idea if we'll even last because even though I love him I feel neglected. Whenever I express this to him, he gets defensive and delves into a state of self-pity.
Right now I'm trying to take control of my life by starting a business, building hobbies, and learning new things. Still, I feel really overwhelmed, and I don't know how much more I can take before breaking down. I feel like screaming sometimes.
I am ambitious so of course I'm anxious to advance. I feel worthless when I'm not pursuing my goals or moving forward with my life. In this situation though, I really don't know how to. It feels like I've been given the short end of the stick.
Sometimes I just want to pack all of my things (which isn't much) and walk away until I can't anymore. If only fear of rape, murder, or camping outside with no direction didn't stop me.. but I wouldn't mind going off the grid. I wouldn't be leaving much.
Anyways, that's a rant. Very long, but it feels good to let it out. I want to balance my life. All aspects of it is making me unhappy. So what else can I do? Need advice.