My Requiem

Mum, Dad, my Sister. I have something to tell you but you probably won't hear it.

Ever since she died I've thought only about how you all feel about me and what you think about me. Every single second from when I get up from sleep to when I go to sleep. Every time I see one of you I also see the way you look at me. I see how you look away in disgust. I would expect that from Dad, but you as well Mum? And you too Zoe?

I know you never liked me, I've tried so hard to be loved by you, but you just push me away. Why did you even have me if you never intended to love me? You all think I'm weak, that I can't stand up for myself just because I don't like confrontations.

I didn't mean to be the one that survived.

When that man pushed down the door and started firing his gun, she just leapt out in front of me, my own twin saved me. She was always the one you liked, she was just better than me in every way.

She was kind where I was insensitive.
She was helpful where I only made it worse.
She was smart where I was almost the lowest in the class.
She was funny where I floundered.
She was loved where I was always at the very back of your minds, even then it was only me being a bad child.

She was the only one that loved me and for some reason, she took the bullets that saved me while I hid and waited for the police to arrive.
Ever since then, two years ago, every shooting star I see, every birthday candle I have to light for myself, evey single f****** wish I can get, I wish for her to be alive and for me to be dead.

I cant bring her back.

No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want and wish for me and her to switch places, I can't bring her back and I will never be her.

I'm only a burden to you.

I'm a parasite living off of your legal obligation to keep me here until I have finished school.

I'm better off not being here.

I'm going to kill myself.


Apr 2, 2016

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  • DON'T EVER HARM YOURSELF! Stick around and work things out. Life will improve for you after your loss but it takes time. Condolences.

  • Really? Then when you walk up to your sister all happy and joyous she's going to look at you... Shake her head and say "Why the F did I jump in front of you? I took all that pain and fear just for you to do this?" Then she'll give you a big old slap in the face just like your dumbyarse deserves for doing that!

    Come on girl. You'll see her again! You don't want have to tell her you killed yourself! Imagine how she will feel? She will think that she hurt you so bad that you had to resort to taking your own life! Yes she will blame herself! She did that because she loves you and wanted you to have a happy life! Imagine what she's going to feel like if you kill yourself? She won't actually think that you wasted her time and that she did it for nothing. if she's like my sibling and other siblings she may tease you no? Anyway, She will actually feel bad for causing you to have so much pain and suffering! It would smash my heart into a million pieces to have to watch my brother self destruct because I saved him. How would you feel?

    Sorry eh? I hope you feel better now. I don't care who starts yelling about atheism. My family is waiting for me. Your sister is waiting for you.

  • It is NOT you fault - praying you find Peace Laura

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