I'm terrified of my desire to eat my life away

First off, I'm into feederism, or purposefully getting fat/being fed as a sexual activity, which is a confession in itself. I'm a submissive feedee, and feederism scares me, a lot. I love gaining, the thought of being forced to gain, and the notion of immobility, and that's the issue; I literally can't get it out of my head. Logically I want to be healthy, or maybe gain 50 or so pounds, but I find myself drawn to fantasies of being kidnapped or controlled by a sadistic feeder into complete immobility. I want to be blackmailed, have my exact diet tracked, and be constantly humiliated and bullied by a feeder who doesn't care about me as a person, just as a pig to be fattened up and made completely dependent on them. I'm talking being locked in a basement, stripped down, having pig ears and tail put on me, and funnel fed level of dark fantasy. I daydream about being 600 lbs and getting pushed to the ground and stuffed by a feeder as I try and waddle out the door. I've gone so far as giving my number or location to feeders, and inching towards indulging the fantasy irl, which is both incredibly scary but also really exciting/irresistible for me.

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  • I can totally relate to your dilemma. I'm into it too and constantly go back and forth in my head over wanting to be healthy but also feeling this intense urge to just give in completely and turn myself into a massive pile of jiggling lard. So far, the pile is winning. I've always been fat, but I've been purposely gaining on and off for about 10 years and I've put on about 125 pounds. I keep telling myself I'll stop and start eating healthy and exercising, but I just can't. I LOVE getting fatter. I love being so soft and heavy and there is nothing that turns me on more than watching the numbers on the scale go up, outgrowing my clothes, or even getting winded from just walking a short distance. I know this isn't good for me, but it is also who I am. I thought I'd stop at 300, but I couldn't. Now, even though the thought of getting to 400 is scary it also seems inevitable and I'm already fantasizing about 500. Anyway, I hope you have been able to work things out. I'd be very interested to know how you're doing.

  • Sometimes our most powerful sexual drives are those we find titillate us. Fear and s**, both are a thundering heart, rush of adrenaline, and the complete absence of all thought; it's casting aside all logic and throwing oneself into the moment, being caught up in the passion in it and incapable of imagining it as it began or ended. It's just the ongoing moment of your body acting on its own, fear and s** becoming one, and the only true fear being the idea that it might stop.

    There's no shame in this. S** is a healthy part of being a whole human being. Some are erotophobic in their tendency to avoid it until a moment where need overcomes personal reserve, and others are erotophilic in jumping at every chance to explore new facets of their sexuality. The concept of fat appreciation has many facets. And, like BDSM, some top, some bottom, and some switch. There's nothing wrong inherently with any of them. The issue you seem to be facing is trying to combat l*** with logic, and they operate on two different wavelengths, dear. If you fear the idea but also enjoy it, it's because there are different motives at work. Socially it's understood that gaining weight deliberately, even in small amounts, makes you an outcast. There is also the concern of one's health. Then there is the idea of becoming one single thing, and becoming it so entirely that it makes up the whole of your being. That has allure, doesn't it? Throwing away your life and humanity to become property? An animal? A pig, to be forced into submission and filled up to the satisfaction of your owner? There is safety there. Four walls you'll never have to leave, an owner you can rely on to keep you as a valuable asset, a life requiring no decisions, no worries, no thoughts; they are all now the entire responsibility of your feeder, who will keep you and feed you until the day it all ends.

  • The ending is the part nobody likes. And I don't blame them. Being healthy is the act of dying at the slowest rate possible. But fulfilling this fantasy, it means you'll die much sooner, but having lived as the thing you feel you were meant to be. Maybe of a sudden heart attack. Maybe a stroke will cause you to linger, though what damage it would do to your functionality would be somewhat moot. DVTs would suck, as would skin infections. Honestly, if this idea is more than fantasy, you should be able to hold and stick to an agreement with your feeder on euthanasia when things get bad enough for you. A quick goodbye after the life you wanted, rather than one after a longer life of what you thought people expected of you, is preferable I feel.

    That's my interpretation anyway. Feel free to reply.

  • I have really appreciated your comments on massive weight gains. There is a thought that the whole mindset towards morbid super obesity needs to change and reflect a palliative approach. Make them comfortable, keep them as healthy as possible for the weights they are attaining rather than invasive surgery and fat shaming. Being in care means that gainers are also accessed by Feeders/Enablers. I greatly appreciated your comments regarding care of the immobilized gainer. There are lots of serious issues to consider, your post above reflects a realistic, and in my mind, compassionate response.

  • I'm sorry for not replying sooner. I don't often log in to this site, though it's begun to grow on me. I discovered my preference for bigger partners in my early teens, and the prospect of a partner so large she couldn't even move from her bed seemed like the ultimate fantasy. And I went through a lot of self-disgust over my preference, to the degree that I accepted I would have to live like anyone with a socially unacceptable sexual focus: alone, never letting my impulses become actions, and satisfying my needs with fiction.

    It got so far that I ended up majoring in sexual psychology for my bachelor's degree, and was lucky enough to be mentored by a professor who had made his life's work studying paraphilias that fell somewhere between socially unacceptable, unethical, and criminal. It largely amounts to the capacity to give informed consent. In the process I came to grips with my impulses and found a balance. A lot of people in the FA culture don't seem to have that balance, and I try to offer forethought and counsel where I can. The immobility fantasy is no fun as a reality to most, and the consequences should be thoroughly considered before taking the plunge. Before FAs can establish a complete code of conduct and present a unified front, extreme weight gain and immobility will remain socially unacceptable. Regrettably, that means growing people in need of medical aid to make them comfortable and increase their quality of life will go ignored.

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