I'm terrified of my desire to eat my life away
First off, I'm into feederism, or purposefully getting fat/being fed as a sexual activity, which is a confession in itself. I'm a submissive feedee, and feederism scares me, a lot. I love gaining, the thought of being forced to gain, and the notion of immobility, and that's the issue; I literally can't get it out of my head. Logically I want to be healthy, or maybe gain 50 or so pounds, but I find myself drawn to fantasies of being kidnapped or controlled by a sadistic feeder into complete immobility. I want to be blackmailed, have my exact diet tracked, and be constantly humiliated and bullied by a feeder who doesn't care about me as a person, just as a pig to be fattened up and made completely dependent on them. I'm talking being locked in a basement, stripped down, having pig ears and tail put on me, and funnel fed level of dark fantasy. I daydream about being 600 lbs and getting pushed to the ground and stuffed by a feeder as I try and waddle out the door. I've gone so far as giving my number or location to feeders, and inching towards indulging the fantasy irl, which is both incredibly scary but also really exciting/irresistible for me.