I feel awful for hitting you
Two months ago, my boyfriend and I went out to have a nice time. I had way too many drinks and was holding in resentment from previous problems in our relationship. I became rather rude and verbally aggressive. I continued to say hurtful things in a non direct way to him. And he called me out by saying if I had something to say to just say it. I asked him why he did the things he did, and I told him I didn't know if I could ever get over it and repeatedly told him he didn't deserve me and I deserved to be with someone more honest. Things escalated when I found p*** on his phone and I began to call him a pig. He apologized but became very angry when I kept telling him he was disgusting and that I was tired of p*** getting in the way of our relationship. I slapped him and he got very angry and told me to slap him again since he deserved it and so I continued to slap him while he was driving. We finally calmed down and got to his place, and we began to argue again. I started yelling at him and he began to hit himself on the head( it was very common for him to do this during an argument) I told him I wasn't going to put up with his behavior anymore and tried to leave but he grabbed my arms and begged me not to go. I got scared and tried to get him to let go of me but he wouldn't so I started to bawl and he covered my mouth so I wouldn't cry and wake up his neighbors. I got so angry that I hit him in the chest and pushed him away from me. I couldn't remember all that we said to each other but or how things died down but I ended up passed out on his bed and he was laying down next to me. Thr next morning he told me that I was cursing at him in my sleep and mumbling at him and that I got very angry and kicked him in the back while he tried to fall asleep. I feel awful for such a horrid argument and I feel worse because he forgave me for being such an abusive person to him. I apologized and promised him I would never hit him again. Things are better between us now but I still feel so guilty for hitting the man I love. I hate myself and I hope he truly forgives me. He didn't deserve to be treated that way and I know I will never forgive myself.