I am bi-polar, and I have 3 kids that I love - but I can only think of 1 think that I enjoy about being a mother. That makes me feel so guilty that I want to just leave town and start over somewhere that I can be an unknown. I think about how much I enjoy being at work, and how relaxed I feel when I'm at work (even though I'm stressed and exhausted - i genuinely enjoy it). I think about the times I'm alone with my husband when I can't relax because I'm so distracted by my dread of being interupted by the kids - and the fights that result from parenting decisions, and wish we could just be in our own little bubble alone together to snuggle and f*** and snuggle some more. He works away from home right now - leaving me alone with the kids. Every day is the same - I work, come home and fight with the kids until they go to bed, and then I rest/watch TV/binge eat ice cream/drink an entire bottle of wine/daydream about snorting some clonazepam/think about possibly starting to smoke until I go to bed where I toss and turn, dreading the return of daylight and responsibilities. So then I pull my laptop out and binge-watch bisexual orgy p***, daydreaming about my husband blowing another guy while I watch - which will never happen because we live in east bum - population 20.
Uggh. This probably isn't super interesting to a lot of you, but I needed to get it off my chest somehow. So...thoughts? Should I bail on the kids? Should I become a smoking alcoholic that snorts my meds?