I've kept so much horrible things bottled up in me for so many years I think it's starting to affect me. I'm not myself but know I'm not someone else and it's f****** with my head. I'm happy with my life and I know I am but I can't stop thinking about all the different ways I could kill or harm myself. Better yet how others could kill me or harm me. I want to feel pain but I'm so scared I will get carried away and if I do that it'll be all my fault. I want it to feel like a dream where I can't control myself and I'll start my bath and stare into the mirror telling myself it wouldn't hurt and everything will be okay. Then sit in the tub, plug in the toaster, and drop it. I'm so scared I won't be able to control myself and something will tell me that I should grab a box cutter to slash my arms I don't know what to do anymore. Thank god I'm getting a counselor right? I don't think I could even tell them this is what I'm feeling without feeling like a f****** stupid b****. I need help don't I?