I love my kids but hate my life
I'm a newly single mom to 3 boys (6,4, & 11 months), and currently pregnant with our 4th child, a girl. I recently threw my deadbeat ex husband out of my home. We had divorced about 5 years back, and tried to reconcile (having 2 +1 more kids during that time.) He never worked and provided childcare so that I could work. I bought a house, cars, everything for us. He started taking things for granted and just flat out refusing to communicate with me. Realizing I was trapped without him, he started drinking and getting very neglectful and disrespectful to all of us. So, I threw him out.
He immediately moved out of state and has had zero contact with any of us since. My children are crushed and are SEVERELY acting out. They've regressed to peeing their pants and their beds constantly, and are lashing out by literally destroying everything they can. Ipads, smearing PAINT on the walls while I'm in the bathroom, dumping shampoo/conditioner all over the bathroom while they're in there, being mean to our cats, and CONSTANTLY FIGHTING with each other. They literally cannot keep their hands off each other and stop screaming, and it's making me insane.
My family has been extremely unsupportive in any way. Their attitude is basically, "You chose this so you deal with it." Meanwhile the cost of childcare is consuming 60% of my income (it's equivalent to 3 mortgage payments a month!)
All I do is work. Wake up and it's a marathon to get everybody fed, cleaned up, dressed, packed, and off to school. Work all day, rush home to cook dinner and do homework--all the while they're fighting and destroying whatever they can. I've finally put locks on EVERYTHING to try and minimize the destruction, but they still manage to wreak havoc.
My life is literally a living h***. I try to make it minute by minute, but there is no end in sight. My ex has vanished and refuses to pay any support or anything. My kids are miserable and I feel like I am literally dying. I can feel a mounting darkness building up inside me and I know it's going to blow it's top soon. I have no time for ANYTHING AT ALL, so therapy is not even an option, since no one can watch my kids. Come to think of it, if I died, I don't think anyone would even notice. It's a sad thought to realize that if a heart attack or aneurysm killed me randomly that all my kids would starve to death trapped in my house before anyone would check in on them. This is my crushing reality. Zero support network.
I love my kids dearly, but I hate my life. I have nothing to look forward to but years of this misery, stress and exhaustion. I feel like there's no way I can keep this baby, and that crushes me more than anything else.