I love my kids but hate my life

I'm a newly single mom to 3 boys (6,4, & 11 months), and currently pregnant with our 4th child, a girl. I recently threw my deadbeat ex husband out of my home. We had divorced about 5 years back, and tried to reconcile (having 2 +1 more kids during that time.) He never worked and provided childcare so that I could work. I bought a house, cars, everything for us. He started taking things for granted and just flat out refusing to communicate with me. Realizing I was trapped without him, he started drinking and getting very neglectful and disrespectful to all of us. So, I threw him out.

He immediately moved out of state and has had zero contact with any of us since. My children are crushed and are SEVERELY acting out. They've regressed to peeing their pants and their beds constantly, and are lashing out by literally destroying everything they can. Ipads, smearing PAINT on the walls while I'm in the bathroom, dumping shampoo/conditioner all over the bathroom while they're in there, being mean to our cats, and CONSTANTLY FIGHTING with each other. They literally cannot keep their hands off each other and stop screaming, and it's making me insane.

My family has been extremely unsupportive in any way. Their attitude is basically, "You chose this so you deal with it." Meanwhile the cost of childcare is consuming 60% of my income (it's equivalent to 3 mortgage payments a month!)

All I do is work. Wake up and it's a marathon to get everybody fed, cleaned up, dressed, packed, and off to school. Work all day, rush home to cook dinner and do homework--all the while they're fighting and destroying whatever they can. I've finally put locks on EVERYTHING to try and minimize the destruction, but they still manage to wreak havoc.

My life is literally a living **. I try to make it minute by minute, but there is no end in sight. My ex has vanished and refuses to pay any support or anything. My kids are miserable and I feel like I am literally dying. I can feel a mounting darkness building up inside me and I know it's going to blow it's top soon. I have no time for ANYTHING AT ALL, so therapy is not even an option, since no one can watch my kids. Come to think of it, if I died, I don't think anyone would even notice. It's a sad thought to realize that if a heart attack or aneurysm killed me randomly that all my kids would starve to death trapped in my house before anyone would check in on them. This is my crushing reality. Zero support network.

I love my kids dearly, but I hate my life. I have nothing to look forward to but years of this misery, stress and exhaustion. I feel like there's no way I can keep this baby, and that crushes me more than anything else.

Sep 4, 2016

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  • Hi. Hang in there!!!! You are so very brave!!! I will be thinking of you! Are your older kids in school? If not, if you can just make it until they are, the routine will get better.

  • I'm sorry things are tough for you right now. I admire your strength for getting through up to this point, and your determination. It sounds like an incredible amount of stress. I don't know enough about you and your situation to give advice, but if it means anything, some of us are cheering you on. I hope it gets better. If anything, I suppose my one suggestion to you is to communicate with your boys, try to reach the oldest, to make some connection with him, as he will have to assume responsibility for his brothers as he gets older. Try to stay calm with him. At 6, it's so important to reach him, guide him to understand that he will have to be a big boy. He has to set the example for the others, protect and hold them together. Your kids need your love. Be proactive, not reactive. Strive for solidarity. Channel negativity into something powerful. You and your 4 boys versus the world. You can do this.

  • Blame. I wonder why once you were in love and married this fellow but now you think poorly of him. You tried again and now you think poorly of him. Has he changed that much? Stop blaming. maybe you froze him out.

  • I see women marry complete losers of men all the time, champ. You're the one who blames. Quit putting it on her. What terrible advice. She just literally said her husband was the problem. Your advice: bring him back. Brilliant. Bad enough the deadbeat will almost certainly try to worm his way back into her life. Just as soon as he decides that she must have something he can use again. And again. And again.

  • Previous poster, you are dead on in your assessment. We got married young, and for many years he was sober and we were very happy and things were good. Addiction crept back up on him and it is a battle he could never overcome, no matter how hard I tried. I worked so much I didn't fully comprehend the damage he was doing to our kids. Locking them in their rooms for hours, screaming, hitting them, etc., I wasn't here to see it and he sure wasn't telling me about it. When he started waking up screaming at everyone, I couldn't take it anymore. That is no way to live. I'm just disappointed that after a decade together and 4 kids, hes able to wash his hands of the whole thing and vanish, leaving me to try and pick up the pieces. Things are very hard right now, but they can only get better right?

  • Your kids continue to act out because you hate your own life. You must immediately build up your self-esteem and regain your ** for life before you ruin the lives of four innocent children. They can obviously see you slipping and are acting out in an attempt to get your attention and keep you in their lives in anyway possible. Even if all they receive from you is anger and annoyance, from their standpoint that is the final emotion they think that they can trigger in you. You need to grab each one of those kids, give them kisses and give them hugs! Tell them how important they are! Even when you are upset with them for minor things or at odds with yourself, you can't let it stop you from loving them. You are all they got. They are all you got. Get into a loving and compassionate mindset and all who surround you will treat you accordingly.

  • I am trying very hard to put on a good face for them and not let them see my pain. I reassure them everyday and tell them how much I love them and that this is not their fault. I'm hoping this behavior is just them temporarily lashing out, and we can get past this. I don't know if I can do this for years and years. It's mentally, emotionally, and physically utterly exhausting.

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