Very little thing
I don't know if you'll ever see this. Or know how I feel. I don't think I can tell you.
But you drive me crazy.
The little things they do that are friendly and normal, make me blush.
Like the time I was backstage for a school performance. I had to sing a song I wasn't so sure I could do. I was panicking and crying and was having an anxiety attack.
You had just finished your piece and came to check on me. You refused to leave me alone until I was 100 percent ok again.
You held my shaking hands in yours and helped me catch my breath again. Until finally I had an even, healthy pace. I was still nervous.
You held me tight in a hug, saying you believed in me. Saying you knew I could do it and that you knew I would do great.
So I went out there and gave it my best. My all. And after my performance, when I finally caught up with me you said you were proud I did it.
One time on Facebook we spoke of thunderstorms and how I feared them when the sun had gone. That night I woke up to banging and rain and I flipped. I messaged you first, out of all people, and you were there for me. You calmed me down, distracted me and promised me it would all be ok. And I just fell more for how kind you are.
And when you were sat on a chair, I sat on the ground in between your legs. You played with my hair and started massaging my head.
And when one of our friends tried to pat my head, you smacked her hand away. You become overprotective of me. You "claimed" me, in a sense, saying only you could touch my head.
You always like to randomly hug me. I'm not complaining. I like your hugs. They make me feel safe and warm. Happy, even.
But I can't say anything. I'm too afraid to admit to you. Your one of my closest friends. And I can't risk making things awkward.
Plus, other people, people so much prettier and better than me, like you too. And with your options already, I don't stand a chance.
If I tell you, I'm told by others, that you wouldn't care and that nothing would go wrong.
But I just know that either we'd drift and become more distant subconsciously. Or that I would feel too awkward, not only knowing that you know, but at the fact you don't feel the same but I still had to be near you. It would be awkward and become too much for me and I'd end up leaving all together.
Not only leaving you, but the rest of the group too. Because staying in a friend group where you ignore one friend is too rude and again, awkward.
And what scares me even more is ... You having a crush on me.
I know it sounds crazy but just listen.
I don't want you having a crush on me. I don't want to date you because another girl close to us likes you too and I can't hurt her by saying you. I would feel like I was running it in her face.
I don't want to date you because .. I'm not ready to be in a lesbian relationship. Yes I'm a girl that likes a girl. I'm bi she's les and this whole text is about girl on girl crush.
I know that I shouldn't care what people think and just do what my heart wants. But I don't think I'm ready to be in a lesbian relationship in high school. I can't stand the hate. The judgement. I act so strong and brave and like I don't give a s*** but I do. And their words affect me more than I care to say.
And I don't want to date you because...I can't bring you down. I'm an emotional reck and I have so many problems and everything is wrong so..I can't do that to you. I don't know how you are mentally because you might not be telling me the whole truth and I don't want to make anything worse.
Also..even if I don't bring you down I'll end up breaking myself. If we date, I'll become needy and clingy and dependant on you. So if we ever dated, then broke up, I would be done for.
Please understand why I don't tell you. And please don't hate me for not admitting. I mean I don't know why I'm even typing these last few lines.
Pleading for you not to hate me. No point in me saying that. I'm never going to tell you anyway. And I'll never show you this either. Because of the already spoken about risks.
I really should shut up. You'll never see this and I'm just babbling now. I'm going to go.
I'll stop typing now.