A drop

My drop

In 32 years on this beautiful machine of a planet. I have had some experiences with emotions, sentiments and physical nature. Most of then were shortly lived, some of them even served as life long lessons.
I remember my first heart break, the first time I fell and hurt myself. I even remember the first test I flunked.
On the positive side I remember my first date, my first kiss, the first time I won a one on one basketball game. Winning my first race, reading my first book.
All my experiences , the good , the bad and the vague. All the choices that led to them and all the choices after that were influenced by them can be measured and weighed today to amount to a single drop.
Some people say that you require and empty cup to learn. That life fills your cup with so much that you need to empty it out to learn more, to be better.
But when I look at my life in this very moment , I find that I have nothing but a drop. A drop that is neither sour nor sweet. A drop that in its fullness , leaves a cup for all its worth , empty.
For what is it to win the whole world if one would loose oneself.
Myself, the never ending circus , empty shelled show of smoke and mirrors . With no essence , no basis, no context.
The sun comes up, the sun goes down. 32 years worth of sunrises , sunsets and everything in between. The result , a drop.
Empath never died of natural causes, it was murdered. I killed it, I looked straight in its eyes and took away the life force out of it.
The world has never had a shortage of tragedies, people die, get hurt, go hungry, get sick, etc.
All the time.
I look at it and feel momentarily sorry, but not long enough for my heart to beat twice. A single heartbeat that is how much time I am ever willing to spend feeling for others.
Despite common belief, we are in fact required to feel and think of each other. If we didn't, why did we not get a planet each, the universe is definitely big enough.
But I never did, I was too concerned with my drop.
I have sinned in ways only known to the script writers of hollywood movies. I have delighted in the times I was sinning. It was not hard. It is ot just that I have not cared for the vast numbers of humans, or the tragedies that takes place in their lives. I have sometimes even wished it upon them.
I had difficulties , big ones , during my education. Difficulties in being a functioning , useful member of society.
I found a girl to care for and be cared for by. Got married and settled in my lifestyle of working and being married.
Three years in, we tried to get pregnant.
First the confusion of the news , then the acceptance, then the happiness and finally the anticipation.
When it happened and I saw my child for the very first time. There are I words to describe how confused and scared and happy I was.

A new human, life breathing and moving and entering planet earth as one of us for the very fist time. A life I need to protect, teach, care for.
What was I going to do. I only have a drop. I prayed and I thanked GOD, but not right away because I was too busy to think of him. I have always taken him for granted , so this was as good a moment as any before it to continue taking him for granted.

It does not stop there. I have taken my household for granted. I wouldn't share space in my drop. May be just a little, playing with my baby, occasionally putting her to sleep. Other than that. The wife will take care. She will feed her, bathe her, put her to sleep, pray with her. I'm just there, making sure my drop does not spill. After all it took me 32 years to gather.

Being a failure in education, career , or life in general amounts to no significance in anyway shape or form. Compared to being a failure as a father.

It has been 2 weeks since my baby girl was admitted to the hospital. Two weeks ago they told us she might not make it to the morning. 6 months old. 6 months worth of sunrises and sunsets and everything in between.

7 doctors that have their entire careers set around infants kidneys. Tell us they do not understand, wait and see. More testing, more investigation. More guesstimates.
I call upon the lord. Because there could be no more evidence that through no other means this situation will ever resolve. Yet my drop has questions. What if this? What if that? May be’s and could be’s.
Still encapsulated in my drop. Even though it is only my saviour that can.
I have had doubts like any other believer. But the truth is, he has always been here. I mean think about it. How can I take him for granted so much, if he wasn't here!

I can not ask him for I want for my child. Either out of embarrassment of my sins whether towards him, mankind or me. Because they are many.
I can not ask him because the truth is my drop does not have enough to decide what is best.
So I ask him to continue doing his will. And for the first time in a long time thank him.
Really thank him. Mean it ,not just say it. As if my drop was deep enougb to know the difference.

I can not ask for what I wish for and I do not know the reason.
But I know that after 32 years all I wish for is for her little 6 months old kidneys to give A drop.

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