It doesn't have to end.

For the past eleven months, I've been involved with my best friend's husband. I'm single and was her maid of honor in their wedding two years ago. We'd had a little fling before they got married (while they were living together) and for a little while after, but we ended it. Then during the holidays last year, we rekindled it and got much, much more serious. It's not just s** but the s** is absolutely spectacular. He needs me more than her, and it's always me he comes to when he wants to talk or needs support or looks for help dealing with her. She's a disaster area most of the time and always sort of has been that way. Sometimes I have trouble dealing with the fact that he and I are together and have such a strong bond. They have two kids (one from before they got married and one just barely after), so I don't see him leaving her, at least not soon, but I honestly don't care. I can maintain this relationship, and keep him happy, forever. I don't need him to leave her to prove anything to me: what we have is better than what they have. And to be truthful, what he and I have is better than any marriage any of our friends have. It really doesn't have to end.

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  • You're no longer, your friend's best friend. Best friend's don't f***, their friend's husband. Shame on you!!!

  • Shame on both of them!!

  • Uh....if your any kind of friend to your best has to end.

  • I am in the exact same boat as you. It's so weird actually knowing the wife. I mean really knowing them. So, when the husband says things are not as good as maybe they once were you actually know first hand that that is the truth and not some bullshiit he is feeding you for sympathy. I feel the guilt too. I am am amazing friend to her on the surface. I will do anything to help her, and I have, but then I turn around and fck her husband every chance I get. I spend time with them together, and pretend the entire time I am not thinking about f****** her husband. I can't stop. I know it would absolutely destroy her/them if she finds out. He knows this too. Logically we understand, but it's near impossible to stop. Our sexual chemistry is off the charts, but also we just support each other and care about each other too.

  • I can so TOTALY relate to your situation. It's almost scary just how similar the two relationships are to one another. WOW! I know exactly what you mean when you describe how hard it is to be around the two of them and pretend there's nothing happening between you and him: sometimes when I'm with them, I get so afraid that she will be able to look at me and see the desire I have for her husband (or smell me creaming HARD for him, and soaking the panties he buys for me), or that I'll just absolutely explode from the aching inside me. Often I just have to get up from where I am and either go sit alone in the bathroom for a while to get control of myself or I actually have to leave: I want him in me -- and pounding me -- so bad that I literally can't control it. And when you said "logically we understand, but it's near impossible to stop", I understood you completely. He and I had a fling but ended it just after they got married, and we thought it was over. Really, we did. Then one night last year at a Christmas party, we just looked at each other and we both knew it was back on again. I was dating another man at the time, but I broke up with him at that party, and resumed the relationship with my best friend's husband. Just the phrase "best friend's husband" gives me guilt, but I can tell you that I never EVER feel guilty when he's between my legs, not even when it's in her bed. And I actually feel like it's the right thing to do whenever we are just talking abut life, or trying to come up with ways to deal with her problems (or sometimes, with the problem "of" her). I never envisioned myself as ever becoming the "other" woman, and I really don't feel that way except when the phrase "best friend's husband" pops into my head. I hate that feeling, but I guess not enough to surrender him to her full-time. I really CAN'T do that. I've already tried and failed. Anyway, thanks for your wonderful message, and good luck with your relationship. Write again?

  • You're a terrible friend.

  • I know. That's the part that I wrestle with the most. And I know if my relationship with her husband were discovered, it would destroy her and perhaps him as well. He and I are both aware of the risks, but we cannot help ourselves. We are so good together. Yes, of course, I realize that's a horrible rationalization, but we actually are good for each other, and he needs me.

  • You both can stop the affair, but you don't want to.There's a difference!! Stop making excuses and do the right thing. It's unfair on his wife and their children.

  • The one message I'd like to give anyone having an affair is recognize it for what it is. It is filling a need. Often for the older guy he not only gets to touch and feel and have s** with a beautiful young girl. He also gets a feeling of life and validation that comes from her expressing appreciation.

    What does she get I wonder?

  • A good lay

  • I guess he and I aren't the "typical" (is there such a thing?) affair couple, because we're less than 3 yrs apart in age. Another girlfriend of mine has been involved with older guys on more than one occasion, and she says that (s** aside) they provide stability and also love. Of course affairs are always much less complicated than marriages, so maybe it's just easier for both partners.

  • It's a different complexity. Marriage is like a marathon. Lots of planning and toughness. An affair is like ...... free style skiing.

  • That's a fair analogy, except that it's freestyle skiing on the edge of a steep steep cliff.

  • "The forbidden fruit is always the sweetest!" That's what I say in this particular situation..

  • That's certainly part of it, but neither of us think it's a major part. There has always been a natural attraction, and we have so much in common. But yes, the taboo element is certainly present. Thanks for writing.

  • If that's the case, why did he marry his wife? Why not break it off with her and be with you properly, instead?

  • I'm a guy, 35, and wish I could find someone like you. Love my wife, but the romance and s**, the passionis long gone. Why does marriage always end up like this? Why does it have to be so much work.

    Maybe you feel bad at times, but at least you have someone you are having an amazing time with. Who am I to judge? You have what I don't have. Enjoy every minute of it.

  • End your marriage, if you're unhappily married. Simple's!!

  • I'm so sorry to hear about your marriage. In order for s** to be good, there HAS to be a romantic anticipation to it, and your wife just doesn't have it in her anymore. Sure, you can have s** and make it good, but without romance the s** lacks a necessary spark. And you used a word that I hear a lot from my friends: "work". For so many people, marriage becomes just another chore. I'm really sad that you find yourself in that place. My recommendation is that you go looking for someone willing to become involved but not interested in a commitment. Many times that means another married person, so that both of you are equally at risk, and equally exposed. Unfortunately, married women seem to have more expectations than men, so it may be hard to find someone to live up to the agreement without "demanding" that you leave home to prove that you "love" her. All I can say is that there are women out there who feel like I feel and see things the way I see them. It may take some time, but go hunting! Personal ads, Craigs list, dating services (for married people), etc., are all worth considering. I admire your honesty and I'm impressed that you're a very good man in a very unfortunate situation, so I wish you well in your search for an extramarital partner. I think you need something new and thrilling in your life. Ironically, it could easily make your marriage better. Best wishes!!

  • Anyway I can link-up with you off-line (off here) is discuss in further detail? Could really use some insight from someone like yourself. Thanks in advance.

  • I wouldn't mind having conversation about it, but I'm always pretty leery about security and that my situation will somehow become known unintentionally, so for now I'm afraid I'll have to just stay here in the safety of anonymity. Sorry. :(

  • Completely understand. Please stay in touch here. Hope you are well.

  • Thanks for your kindness. Do you have any extracurricular relationships now? If so, are any of those women likely candidates for the kind of secret LTR you need? What kind of women do you look for? Just curious........

  • You have to remember however, he married her, not you.

  • It's true, yes, he did that. But he did it because he thought he was doing the right thing for the children (the one they already had and the one she was pregnant with when they got married), and even for her: her life is a bit messy, and he thought he was improving it. I know he loves her, and that's fine. I don't have to have him say that to feel it when we're together, with or without our clothes on. I think we are all capable of really loving more than one person.

  • Proof that bringing kids into the mix f.ucks everything up, as if *intelligent* people didn't already know that.

  • Don't justify anything!! How would his wife feel, if she found out about the affair? You obviously don't value her friendship anymore. I suggest you end it your pretentious friendship. You're doing more damage than good, pretending to be her friend on the surface, whilst f****** her man behind closed doors.

  • I hear you. I was "the other woman" I loved it. The attention. The gifts. The quick and dirty meetups. the sneakyness. But I also hated it. I felt guilty, dishonest, bad. I wished for something i learned I can never have. I wanted it all. I pressured him to leave his wife. Somehow she found out. Not from me. She kicked him out. He came to me. But once we were living together it was like it died. IT was boring. ordinary. It was like I was his secretary cook and cleaner washer.

  • Gosh, a girlfriend of mine could have written what you just wrote! It's amazing! That's exactly where she was in her life with an older married man. Through a series of unfortunate occurrences, he left home (had to), they moved in together and soon got married. Within a year, the marriage was over. There was no animosity: just indifference. The word she used to describe their relationship? "Mundane". Or "blah". The thrill departed as soon as their relationship became "ordinary". I'm so sorry you had to go through that, and I hope you've found someone who lights you up like before. I feel for you and I hope you find the heat that you lost. You seem super sexy and you should be involved with somebody you can spoil that way!!

  • Grass and fences

  • I was the same. I was addicted to the attention and the drama, and I also kept after him to leave his family. Within six months after he did that and moved in with me, he was s******* this nasty f****** teenage dancer he met at the strip club. I can tell you I much preferred being the one he was cheating WITH to being the one he was cheating ON. The seven-year affair (in which I was the mistress ) didn't survive a year as a marriage (in which I was the wife). C'est la vie?

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