It doesn't have to end.

You're no longer, your friend's best friend. Best friend's don't **, their friend's husband. Shame on you!!!

Shame on both of them!!

Uh....if your any kind of friend to your best friend....it has to end.

You're a terrible friend.

I know. That's the part that I wrestle with the most. And I know if my relationship with her husband were discovered, it would destroy her and perhaps him as well. He and I are both aware of the risks, but we cannot help ourselves. We are so good together. Yes, of course, I realize that's a horrible rationalization, but we actually are good for each other, and he needs me.

You both can stop the affair, but you don't want to.There's a difference!! Stop making excuses and do the right thing. It's unfair on his wife and their children.

The one message I'd like to give anyone having an affair is recognize it for what it is. It is filling a need. Often for the older guy he not only gets to touch and feel and have ** with a beautiful young girl. He also gets a feeling of life and validation that comes from her expressing appreciation.

What does she get I wonder?

A good lay

I guess he and I aren't the "typical" (is there such a thing?) affair couple, because we're less than 3 yrs apart in age. Another girlfriend of mine has been involved with older guys on more than one occasion, and she says that (** aside) they provide stability and also love. Of course affairs are always much less complicated than marriages, so maybe it's just easier for both partners.

It's a different complexity. Marriage is like a marathon. Lots of planning and toughness. An affair is like ...... free style skiing.

That's a fair analogy, except that it's freestyle skiing on the edge of a steep steep cliff.

"The forbidden fruit is always the sweetest!" That's what I say in this particular situation..

That's certainly part of it, but neither of us think it's a major part. There has always been a natural attraction, and we have so much in common. But yes, the taboo element is certainly present. Thanks for writing.

If that's the case, why did he marry his wife? Why not break it off with her and be with you properly, instead?

I'm a guy, 35, and wish I could find someone like you. Love my wife, but the romance and **, the passionis long gone. Why does marriage always end up like this? Why does it have to be so much work.

Maybe you feel bad at times, but at least you have someone you are having an amazing time with. Who am I to judge? You have what I don't have. Enjoy every minute of it.

I'm so sorry to hear about your marriage. In order for ** to be good, there HAS to be a romantic anticipation to it, and your wife just doesn't have it in her anymore. Sure, you can have ** and make it good, but without romance the ** lacks a necessary spark. And you used a word that I hear a lot from my friends: "work". For so many people, marriage becomes just another chore. I'm really sad that you find yourself in that place. My recommendation is that you go looking for someone willing to become involved but not interested in a commitment. Many times that means another married person, so that both of you are equally at risk, and equally exposed. Unfortunately, married women seem to have more expectations than men, so it may be hard to find someone to live up to the agreement without "demanding" that you leave home to prove that you "love" her. All I can say is that there are women out there who feel like I feel and see things the way I see them. It may take some time, but go hunting! Personal ads, Craigs list, dating services (for married people), etc., are all worth considering. I admire your honesty and I'm impressed that you're a very good man in a very unfortunate situation, so I wish you well in your search for an extramarital partner. I think you need something new and thrilling in your life. Ironically, it could easily make your marriage better. Best wishes!!

Anyway I can link-up with you off-line (off here) is discuss in further detail? Could really use some insight from someone like yourself. Thanks in advance.

I wouldn't mind having conversation about it, but I'm always pretty leery about security and that my situation will somehow become known unintentionally, so for now I'm afraid I'll have to just stay here in the safety of anonymity. Sorry. :(

Completely understand. Please stay in touch here. Hope you are well.

End your marriage, if you're unhappily married. Simple's!!

You have to remember however, he married her, not you.

It's true, yes, he did that. But he did it because he thought he was doing the right thing for the children (the one they already had and the one she was pregnant with when they got married), and even for her: her life is a bit messy, and he thought he was improving it. I know he loves her, and that's fine. I don't have to have him say that to feel it when we're together, with or without our clothes on. I think we are all capable of really loving more than one person.

Don't justify anything!! How would his wife feel, if she found out about the affair? You obviously don't value her friendship anymore. I suggest you end it your pretentious friendship. You're doing more damage than good, pretending to be her friend on the surface, whilst ** her man behind closed doors.

Proof that bringing kids into the mix f.ucks everything up, as if *intelligent* people didn't already know that.

I hear you. I was "the other woman" I loved it. The attention. The gifts. The quick and dirty meetups. the sneakyness. But I also hated it. I felt guilty, dishonest, bad. I wished for something i learned I can never have. I wanted it all. I pressured him to leave his wife. Somehow she found out. Not from me. She kicked him out. He came to me. But once we were living together it was like it died. IT was boring. ordinary. It was like I was his secretary cook and cleaner washer.

Gosh, a girlfriend of mine could have written what you just wrote! It's amazing! That's exactly where she was in her life with an older married man. Through a series of unfortunate occurrences, he left home (had to), they moved in together and soon got married. Within a year, the marriage was over. There was no animosity: just indifference. The word she used to describe their relationship? "Mundane". Or "blah". The thrill departed as soon as their relationship became "ordinary". I'm so sorry you had to go through that, and I hope you've found someone who lights you up like before. I feel for you and I hope you find the heat that you lost. You seem super ** and you should be involved with somebody you can spoil that way!!

Grass and fences

I was the same. I was addicted to the attention and the drama, and I also kept after him to leave his family. Within six months after he did that and moved in with me, he was ** this nasty ** teenage dancer he met at the **. I can tell you I much preferred being the one he was cheating WITH to being the one he was cheating ON. The seven-year affair (in which I was the mistress ) didn't survive a year as a marriage (in which I was the wife). C'est la vie?