Confused about my surroundings
So ive been with my wife for about 11 years and I started experiencing some issues about 5 years ago, a month before we married.
I met her childhood best friend who within minutes of meeting proceeded to inform me how she watched my soon to be wife blow a guy in front of her and an alternate time she watched her f*** a guy in front of her. Wow we just met and you know nothing about me and this is being shared within minutes of meeting me.
Months go by and I start hearing about the 3somes multiple 4somes and all these sexcapades which excites me but then soon turns into jealousy. I begin thinking my wife is f****** everyone under the moon which doesnt sit well with me. I begin questioning her and saying the wrong things which has put a wedge between us.
Years go by, s** is lame and today im not sure how she feels about me.
Fast forward to today in which my wife and kids ask to move to another state to be closer to family and friends. Weve lived here for 1.5 years only a block and a half from her childhood best friend.
I no longer smile or talk to anyone and everyone says that im standoffish. I spent a year at my new 100k job and lost it recently because i couldnt focus. I cant tell whats reality and if my wife is f****** everyone. Her friends/step family grab crothes, a****, dry hump and all sorts of different innapropriate gestures and comments. Two couples in particular have mentioned numerous times how endowed their partners are (step father and childhood friends boyfriend.)
My wife has told me in the past its just s** and has lead a swinger lifestyle with her ex in which i had no inclination.
Everyone hosts parties and if my wife dissapears for even a few moments i think shes f****** someone. I was once a very confident outgoing guy who has become miserable. One two seperate occasions in the past year, at one of our parties we've had s** immediately after the party and she was so loose that i thought someone might have f***** her - but it could just be that she was drunk and was h****??? I penetrated her the one time and it was 'air'. She disappeared to her childhood best friends the other time for 45 minutes and came back and i was suspicious. Later that night she was loose and i thought she smelt like condoms and mentioned it to her. She laughed and said i was paranoid once again.
I try talking to her and it usually ends up in an argument. she says that was the past and shes no longer like that. Our s** life has turned pretty lame probably because i have judged her. S** is like, can you make it quick, i havent performed oral on her in years, if she performs it on me its an inconvenience, lights have to be out and kissing is limited.
My reality is so blurred that i cant tell if shes f****** her stepdad or if this is just my mind playing tricks on me.
Ive made comments about our surroundings and she repeatedly says that if they are swingers this has nothing to do with her as shes not involved.
I told her i hate it here and want to move.
I dont know what to think anymore. My mind is in another place and s** is constantly on my brain which wasnt my primary focus in the past until i moved here.
I dont want to invade her privacy and catch anything in the act because it may destroy me further. i feel hopeless and ive destoyed myself in the process.
If i go with my gut feeling, shes up to no good. Is it perception or reality.
I can share a ton more on this but its enough for a basis to generate discussion i guess.
I really hate who ive become and wish i knew how to change how i think...
One f***** up individual!