I just want to talk
I'm 30, married with a beautiful wife and daughter that I love. My wife takes too much care of me, i take care of her. I love it, its annoying sometimes but she's so great t, probably the best thing that happened to me. Reminding myself of the good things, where I am
I have a bad relationship withy father. He's a difficult person. I try, I've tried, i think I quit. I don't know if its how he was with me when I was younger, or just how he is now. Sometimes randomly chatting with above mentioned wife I'll tell. Her about something I really don't like about my dad, or something I hated when i was younger. I just can't be bothered to have a conversation with him any more, the only way hos mind seems to operate is to try to adjust people's lives. He thinks way too highly of my cousin (two years my elder), and mentions I should do such and such life him a lot. I used to envy my cousin for that, but he's a nice guy, they're friends in a way and I don't hold anything against him. Its my dad that low key infuriates me sometimes.
I was just trying to tell my wife about this, but shes exhausted and fell asleep as I was was talking, so i found myself here. I live with my parents. not even gonna bother with considering my mother as a sound board, its like shes... (..........) so neutral. Like space bar.. Or grayscale, ughh tell me I'm right, tel me. I'm wrong, not just yeah i see your point. You're my mom ffs i5need an honest opinion. My fault for asking.
Guess I should get back to venting about my issues, I could be playing a mobile game or watching tv to numb my brain, but this is constructive ya?
I was telling my wife.. Trying to.. That i want to talk to a therapist. Just to sort s*** out. This stuff with my dad, i mean I'm no longer trying to fix or alter my relationship with him, I think at times I've come to terms with it, but i haven't? I want to, but I'm not sure I do. I hoped for so much more, especially when I was younger. **F*** you dad trying too hard, just chill out man. You can't be perfect, you can't make the world perfect and everything around you perfect. Just relax and enjoy ffs. He has such high standards for everything, he set the bar so high. He fell short of himself, i fell short of it, the world fell short of dads high standard. Now he's disappointed in almost everything but his high standard. God, f*** your high standards dad, they make you annoying to talk to. Everything in the world is wrong to him mwaot let me edit this so its clesr where the outburst starts and ends. ** where was i.. Oh ya therapist.
Ya, so I have dad issues, but again I'm just venting, it seems love so much smaller of a problem when i mentally vocalize it, its the first time I've fingerly typed worded it, not as colorful but more structured. I feel life speaking to a therapist may help, I'm a tense guy at times, sometimes short tempered, but not so much any morr after marriage and fatherhood. I used to be prone to cyclical/monthly bouts of depression? Or very downness, feeling so down. Like sitting on the couch doing nothing then suddenly fuuuuuuckkk in so sad and cry. I think it stopped about a month after I've had my daughter. I love her so much. It used to be a bit debilitating, life I couldn't plan, go out, do much, for about 2 or 3 days. I'd walk around a shell of a man, almost an out of body experience: "here i am eating, so sadly, walking, working, driving.. Every so sadly. Poor me. " then I'd suddenly be fine until next month. I read about it once, theybsaid ti look out for warning signs, triggers, and be proactive. I think it helped.
I also used to imagine worst case scenarios all the time.. Girey horrific s***. Not impossible, just not probably, but quite possibly if someone went crazy or was very reckless. Car accidents, people around me tripping and being very hurt. This still goes on a bit. It wouldn't bother me so much except for one this that hurts my heart: when these bad scenarios come to mind of my daughter or wife... With my daughter I'm always afraid of someone tripping and falling on her, and my wife I'm afraid of her tripping and falling (happened once, she bruised her hip) or getting into an accident. The accident i dont think about as much, bur the tripping on daughter one, God... I just want her to have the spacial awareness and ability of a 7 year old. I dont want her to be hurt. Just writing this is making me tear up now. So ya that's why i want to talk to a therapist: dad issues, cyclical depression, and psychotic imagination? I dunno. Saw this one dude on snapchat thats a psychologist that said if you're the kind of person who imagines that sutff its good to see a therapist.
If you've read everything, just comment that you did, it'll make me feel better, if you read some, so too. Comments are appreciated, either way I feel better just writing this.