Emptiness

My life is empty , i feel myself internally empty, i don't have energy to do something even to something i like .
For example i like watching cartoons but i easily get bored .
When i hear music it does not affect me , if it ever did it would be for a liitle.
I can't stop the ''voices'' in my head tells me i am not good enough , i don't mean real voices i don't have schizophrenia. I believe everyone have that naughty voice inside our heads telling us bad words about ourselves . And what can we do about it ? Automatically i usually answer bad things to this voice too.
I am socially awkward and if i speak with a person i can't look it in the eyes because i get anxious . If i speak with a person i am afraid that i look stupid and inferior . At least sometimes alcohol helps me . Only then i feel free from my mind and i can feel comfortable with people . I wish was drunk all the time , it would be great. But i am afraid cause i notice that because of alcohol my memory decreases . I had very good memory especially in dates and birthdays but now not so good . I try with coffee to stay even with a little energy . If i don't drink coffee i feel my brain empty . I feel like i carry a heavy heart and i don't feel this way because of my weight . I may have depression . I just want to take a pill and suddenly have appetite for life and appetite for socializing . Not to be like an empty robot with empty, neutral without passion feelings . Even if i sympathize someone i don't want to speak to him/her much. Just looking him/her from distance and smilling to show him/her that i sympathize him/her. Sometimes i think to take drugs like cocaine so it can fill me with energy but i know drugs are not the solution . And worst of all is that i am 23 years old and i don't know what i will become in the future . I am 23 years old and i sould have a social ,erotic life and i have not . I don't know if i ever get a boyfriend , i never had so far . Its a pity some people are depressed and end up dying depressed . I am afraid of death but sometimes it doesnt seem tragic to me . It seems like a person who can take all your problems and pain away like the angel of death from american horror story season 2 .
I wish i could feel something besides emptiness like passion , happiness, excitement , love for myself , love for others besides boredom and indifference .

4 Comments

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  • If you feel emptiness and no energy to do anything, you managed to visit this website and submit your confession. So that's a start, isn't it? Seek therapy and medical support from your family doctor. It's best to confide in medical/therapeutic professionals, in order to receive the support you require. Don't you have trusted loved one's/friends you can confide your feelings to? It's good to surround yourself with loyal, positive, respectful and compassionate people. Do you have any individuals with these qualities and morals in your life? Try pursuing hobbies and engaging in things that would make you feel alive again.

    It's easy to switch off from the world from time to time, as a form of escapism from our inner and outer turmoil's. It's a coping mechanism for if we're experiencing trauma and so forth. Sometimes it's a good escapism, and sometimes it isn't. It's easy to lose oneself in the void of emptiness. Especially when we don't have the sufficient tools and self-healing models, in order to heal ourselves etc.

  • Thank you for answer me too . Yes its a start ! To be honest no i don't trust anyone in my family its not that we have bad relationship but i hold anger for them i mean my parents since i was a child and the anger since i become an adult grows time to time . I have outbursts of anger in my house . I prefer to not talk to them at all and just open my heart on sites like this site and thank you for your answer .

  • You have very low self esteem. Believe me you are not alone with this issue.
    I suffered that as well but I knew the cause. Severe physical and mental abuse from a brutal father. A few years of counseling was the answer. I'm the happiest very confident person you will find now. Give it some thought.

  • Your right I have very low self-esteem . Thank you for answering me . What annoying me is the emptiness I feel more than sadness .

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