My life is empty , i feel myself internally empty, i don't have energy to do something even to something i like .
For example i like watching cartoons but i easily get bored .
When i hear music it does not affect me , if it ever did it would be for a liitle.
I can't stop the ''voices'' in my head tells me i am not good enough , i don't mean real voices i don't have schizophrenia. I believe everyone have that naughty voice inside our heads telling us bad words about ourselves . And what can we do about it ? Automatically i usually answer bad things to this voice too.
I am socially awkward and if i speak with a person i can't look it in the eyes because i get anxious . If i speak with a person i am afraid that i look stupid and inferior . At least sometimes alcohol helps me . Only then i feel free from my mind and i can feel comfortable with people . I wish was drunk all the time , it would be great. But i am afraid cause i notice that because of alcohol my memory decreases . I had very good memory especially in dates and birthdays but now not so good . I try with coffee to stay even with a little energy . If i don't drink coffee i feel my brain empty . I feel like i carry a heavy heart and i don't feel this way because of my weight . I may have depression . I just want to take a pill and suddenly have appetite for life and appetite for socializing . Not to be like an empty robot with empty, neutral without passion feelings . Even if i sympathize someone i don't want to speak to him/her much. Just looking him/her from distance and smilling to show him/her that i sympathize him/her. Sometimes i think to take drugs like cocaine so it can fill me with energy but i know drugs are not the solution . And worst of all is that i am 23 years old and i don't know what i will become in the future . I am 23 years old and i sould have a social ,erotic life and i have not . I don't know if i ever get a boyfriend , i never had so far . Its a pity some people are depressed and end up dying depressed . I am afraid of death but sometimes it doesnt seem tragic to me . It seems like a person who can take all your problems and pain away like the angel of death from american horror story season 2 .
I wish i could feel something besides emptiness like passion , happiness, excitement , love for myself , love for others besides boredom and indifference .