I want to be in love with you
I want to be in love with you. You were my first love. I remember our first date and how crazy i was about you, i remember the first time you f***** me (first time i ever came by a man) i remember the little things, singing in the shower, making cookies at 1 am and f****** on the counter until they were done, and i remember the night it all came crashing down. I got home from work around 9 pm and you were still out with your friends i showered read my book and waited for you. You came in drunk, and i asked to see your phone i don’t know why i just had the feeling and when you just walked out of the room i knew it was done. I still constantly see the messages “babe come over” “you’re so gorgeous i need to talk to you” “I’ll be spending the night alone since you can’t hangout” i scream we fought you tried to keep me there i was packing my things you begging, i still don’t understand why you did this? Why damage me? Why not let me go? Why ruin the image of love forever? What do you gain out of that? I really loved you but i didn’t plan on giving you another chance i promised myself a long time ago i wouldn’t I’d never be that girl. But when i found out i was pregnant part of me felt obligated and part of me was “happy” because now i had a reason to give you a chance and now i regret this decision i should have left you in Colorado. You see I’m from Utah and went to Colorado for “adventure”. And when i found out i wanted to move home and you came with. My nana passed away 3 weeks after i told her i was pregnant i cried she cried and held me she told me there would be a village here to help and I’d be okay, he was there for all of it all the sleepless nights because i couldn’t stop crying, all the whys and screams and begging for the tears to stop he was there. Physically. Because a month after her passing and being nearly 3 months pregnant with his child, i found out about his love affair with Jenny, the pictures the words the said to each other, engraved in my brain forever. Part of me thought the grieving pushed him away and into Jenny’s arms. I still don’t understand, it’d be different if you weren’t constantly telling me how happy you were and how much you loved and needed me and how excited you were to have a family with me. You’re a different kind of evil. I’m picking myself up I’m workinf out eating right and taking care of the most important man of my life, my baby boy. But i still cry over you. I miss you, i hate you, i love you. But i don’t need you. And i will be okay. I have to be. I want to be. I need to be. But i still miss you.