What happened 4 years ago

When I was in grade 4 I looked up to my older cousin, he played video games, he was very nice to me. His mom wasn’t the best mom so we invited him to live with us. I was excited because he had all types of games, like Skyrim. At that age I was really out going and I had a lot of friends. A few months after he moved in my iPad would go missing. When I’d ask him he said he hasn’t seen it, I snuck into his room when he was out with friends and my iPad was under his pillow. After that I hung out with him less. The first game I ever played was mine craft, he showed me it. O slept in my own room and one night my door opened and there he was. Of course I was still sleeping, when I heard a picture get taken I woke up and saw a flash. I froze in fear, I didn’t know what was happening and I was scared. My pants were off and he just left. I couldn’t sleep that whole night, I just stayed up rethinking what I could have done differently... crying myself to sleep. He didn’t Come in my room for a week or two so I felt safe. I heard my door open and I stayed quite hoping he’d leave. Felt up my chest and took of my pants. I didn’t have ** back then. That happened for a couple nights in a row. And I felt ashamed I let it happened but i thought it was my fault for making him think it was okay. I was depressed and felt disconnected from others. I started to sleep with my sister and I finally felt safe. It stopped happening for a couple weeks until one day he slid open the door and my heart dropped. I tried to hide under the blacker and snuggle close to my sister but he touched up my dress. By then I avoided looking at myself I’m thw mirror and stayed up late at night. I felt if I told my later he’d over power us. So I just layed there silently letting it happen. It happened during car rides in the basement he’d fiddle with my bra strap. I finally got sick of it and when he walked into my sisters room I got up and tried to push him out of the room. I punched and told him to get out. He finally backed out and I felt powerful that I stopped him. Later that night he came back. I felt useless. When we’d have movie night we’d nring a bed in the living room and blankets I jumped on the bed and we started a movie. My sister sat on the couch he payed behind me and started
To take my pants off. I felt violated and my sister said awe you guys are cuddling. I didn’t say anything because if he hurt My sister I didn’t know what I would have done with myself. That happened a couple times no matter what I would do. One time we were watching Garfield on the tv I remember it so vividly, my sister went to the room and I was sitting on the couch while he layed on the bed. He walked over the me and got on top of me. I tried to claw him off saying I’m watching the movie. And saying stop. He kept on going and I felt uncomfortable with everything. When he finally moved out I was in grade 5 going on to grade 6 and I told my mom everything. I felt used and afraid . I slept with my sisters and mom till I was 13 years old. I’m still afraid to sleep alone and I feel disconnected sometimes. And don’t know what to do next

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