My ex is playing mind games

My ex and I lived together with pets, etc. He has been unhappy for the past few months, not able to sleep, depressed, angry and lashing out. He normally has a temper and is often in a negative mood, but it has increased. He mentioned he’s unhappy in the relationship because he wants more and to have children, but I’ve told him that I can’t move forward until we work on some of these issues and address the problems (when he’s drunk, he tells me he hates me and I should die, when he’s sober he says I’m a b**** and he doesn’t love me and he deserves better and he will go out to the bars and look for someone else). He blames it mostly on work and says that his job is so stressful that he takes it out on me. I’m tired of being the punching bag. He finally told me that either I accept him for who he is, which he said isn’t a nice person and often an a******, or I need to move out. He’s been telling me to move out and he hates me for 3 months now. He said he’s wasted enough time and he should be accepted for who he is, even if it’s not a perfect person, and not waste each other’s time. I told him that people need to work at their relationships, and he said love should be unconditional. So, last Sunday, I asked him again if he thought his behavior was ok after a terribly embarrassing weekend in public, and he said no. He also told me that he isn’t changing and if I don’t like it to leave at anytime. So I did. I said if he wanted to work on the issues together, I would be happy to so we can be a better couple, but I can’t continue to accept this. I told him maybe it’s best for us if we part ways since we are both now unhappy. I told him I’d start moving out, which I did over the course of 3 days. He didn’t stop me, apologize, or say one nice thing other than - I hope you’re gone soon, and I’m going to go out and meet someone as soon as your gone.

He called up our best friends and told them I left him with no warning. Then a few days later, he went out with another couple of ours, and started crying at the bar over how I abandoned him and he would change if I came back. This is all second hand knowledge. Then a week ago one of my girlfriends said that her husband went to a baseball game with him, and they asked him if we’ve talked. He told them he was waiting to hear from me, and not reaching out until I did first, and he wants to work on things but only if he heard from me. So, I reached out after what I had heard, thinking maybe we could work on us. and asked if he wanted to talk and go out to dinner. He said no. I felt confused.

Then I waited 2 days and said, I’m sorry for many things, and I’d really like to see you. Can we get together and see if we can work through this? He said, I can’t. Then I hear he’s been out to the bars with a bunch of single guys until 2am almost everyone night this week.

I don’t understand. Why cry to our friends that he wants to change? Why say he’s waiting to hear from me, and then when I reach out, he rejects me? I haven’t contacted him since and have heard nothing. I just don’t understand why share these details with my friends that will get to me, then act different to me. This weekend will be 2 weeks since I’ve moved out.

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  • Dude is a serious AHOLE. It'll be tough but stay far away from him.

  • I am the OP, and am very much struggling. I read the comments on here, and am trying my very best to build my confidence and be ok and move on. I really am having a hard time. Every days move on, get over him. How do you suddenly heal after days when together for years? I try to workout, not think of him, go out with friends, anything to keep my mind busy. I’ve failed and reached out to him in moments of weakness. His responses have been far from kind. He has allowed me to see our dogs, which has been hard for me to be without them since we adopted them together and raised them since pups. I’ve tried to ask to talk to him, this seems so much harder on me than him. He said he doesn’t care, I’m not his obligation, he doesn’t love me, and these past weeks being single have been his best. I know, I know I’m supposed to start dating and find a home. I just can’t get myself to rent an apartment when we had a home together, or distance myself from friends we have had for a decade. This weekend we had a family trip planned with his family, they all went together, and his mom sent me a message saying she was disappointed to hear I couldn’t go - HE DIDN’T even tell his family, and is just acting like I’m working!! How do I move on when I can’t even grieve over this when he is hiding this breakup.

  • There's no such thing as suddenly getting over a broken heart, sometimes a person never gets over it. Reaching out just prolongs the pain, there's nothing wrong with having moments of weakness unless they're causing you pain, be strong you CAN move on. Moving on is a process whether its job lose, death of someone close or the end of a long term relationship are ,sadly, things we all have to deal with in our lifetimes.

    As far as him not telling his family spill the beans, don't be petty or ASK FOR THEIR HELP GETTING HIM BACK, but let them know exactly what he's done. You're letting him make all the rules... STOP IT ALREADY!!! Get angry... get even, say to yourself at least once a day "I'm MAD AS H*** and I'm NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!"

    The surest way to get even with a rich person is to make them a poor person. That philosophy holds true in love. The surest way to get even with an ex is to show them that they can't/didn't break you and you can be happy, not because of them, but in spite of them. I said this in an earlier post "The world is a great big place with lots of great people", you're stronger than you know and one day (I hope very soon) you'll realize that. FP

  • Thank you.

  • You're welcome. I'll check back a couple times a week, if you think I might have some advise that'll help just ask. If nothing else give me an update once in a while. You WILL get through this I have faith in you. FP

  • Things are very hard now. He has moved on to dating and has stopped communicating with me. Our last interaction was very negative. Although I held on on a bit of hope, all seems lost now. I am moving on, but hard to know he didn’t choose to make an effort to work on us and reconcile.

  • Just checking in, let me know you need to vent or encouragement and please give an update on occasion.

  • I’m the OP- he asked me out for coffee. I went. He said it was good to see me. He told me that I looked beautiful, I seem so happy and different. He asked about work, and when I told him I took a step down to focus on my personal life, he about fell out of the chair. He asked if I am happy, and I said yes. He asked if I’ve been getting asked out, too. When we left, I will admit he did kiss me. I did not let it go any farther. And now, here we are 4 days later...and I’ve not heard anything from him. I feel confused and angry, and now sad.

  • He reached out and sent me a photo of me from a previous holiday. I don’t know why. I tried to start a conversation, and it didn’t go anywhere. Then I text again today and he ignored me. I am so tired of the games. I feel like I was pulled in a little, and now just dropped because he changed his mind. I don’t know what to do.

  • Honey look... I'm a guy and most guys are arseholes to a small extent but that one is a MAJOR ONE. He's playing, NOTHING MORE and he's going to continue as long as you let him. He's set up rent free in your head and he knows it.

    He asked you out for one of 2 reasons... because he didn't have any drama going on or he figured you'd be an easy lay. Regardless the guys toxic.

    You were strong, GOOD FOR YOU. I know it was one of the hardest things you've ever done. Now you know a couple of the tricks he's gonna try and you can stop it before it starts, next time he asks you out tell him sorry you have plans, if he sends a pic say thanks AND NOTHING MORE. Its time to stop being the puppet and start being the puppet master.

    Here's something to think about... A little boy and little girl are playing doctor, the girl sees the boys pecker and runs home crying. She runs to her Dad. Dad asks why shes crying and she tells him because she didn't have a pecker and Dad tells her with what she has she can have all the peckers she wants.

    What I mean by the little story above is YOU have all the power. You can be, should be and are stronger everyday. You can have all the peckers you want you don't need to put up with a d?ck. You're moving on, don't let him drag you back. FP

  • Thank you FP. You have helped me tremendously. I am appreciative all of your time and effort to write your thoughts. I want you to know I’m grateful during this hard time that a stranger was there for me and gave me advice. Truly. Thank you! - S

  • You're very welcome S. I've had my heart ripped to shreds a few times so can relate.

    Relationships are basically habits like smoking or drinking excessively and the rules for breaking habits are pretty much the same STOP then figure out how to move forward without it. The early stages are the hardest and it gets easier over time. You've been through the worst, it just gets easier from here.

    I have faith in and for you and if all else fails just know somebody in this crazy world is here for you. I will continue to check back for updates a couple times a week and if you think I can help just ask. FP

  • D'oh FP

  • I'm glad to hear you've decided to move on, I know it was a hard decision. Having hope is a double edged sword, but sometimes having hope things will work out after a break-up is like hoping a car is still in mint condition after wrapping it around a tree.

    One day he may realize the person he threw away was the best thing that ever happened to him, then again maybe not some people are just arseholes.

    But that's no longer your problem. Its his lose not yours. You have a life to live, to be the happiest person you can be and just like most things in life if you want it bad enough you can get it. Don't rush, take time to heal but try to be happy, each day that will get easier I promise. FP

  • Your heart needs to catch up to your head. Moving out was the best thing you could have done. It was a toxic relationship. It sounds like way too many things need fixing and he's not a willing participant. Chances are things could be great for a little bit and then the cycle begins again. He needs to want to work on himself on his own. This break up is going to hurt for awhile but you are going to be fine. Take care of you.

  • Thank you. We were finally able to talk, and has said he’s not willing to change. He said he gave me too many years of his life, and it’s not worth the effort on his part. He told me he has nothing left to give me, he’s dead inside, and he fell out of love with me a year ago. He said no matter what I say or do, his mind is made up. The sad thing for me is that it’s all my actions in his eyes. I don’t know why that bothers me because he had fault, too, but he can’t see past anything other than my failures and all I’ve done wrong. Really hurtful.

  • It is really hurtful, but the hurt will subside in time. This is a blessing in disguise. As hard as it was to hear, I'm glad he told you instead of stringing you along. A lot of times adter a break up and you are always left wondering why? This was him, not you. Also, if you are connected via social media..disconnect , thats just torture. Life is so short to spend your energy on the wrong person. Don t dwell on what he can or can't see or admit to. I think he's too immature to do that at this point. You know what you did and at the end of the day that's all that matters. This relationship gave you many lessons in what you bring (and leave out) to your next relationship. For now, take some time off from dating and work on you. You have a great capacity to love, the next guy is going to be very lucky.

  • He is an abuser. He already clearly said he is not going to change. Why in the heck people at all want to waste their valuable life with such a person baffles me.

  • Depression, work stress, PTSD can change behavior. Doesn’t make the person is an abuser, just going through a hard time.

  • You yourself posted his verbal abuse and hateful things he says to you. Look up what abusing is dear.

  • Oh really then why did you posted this if you still want to stand on his side...enjoy the shot coming to you

  • It’s because he is a liar. He’s probably trying to look like the victim to your friends. Thank god you left! DONT EVER GO BACK - EVER!

  • You are in a codependent relationship. He is really not a nice person and he isn’t good for you. I’m not sure if you are good for him either.

  • Can you share why? I’m the poster. Can’t people work through issues?

  • Its easy. There has to be at least a modicum of mutual respect and even though there is only your side to the story it seems like he has NO respect for you. I see this as the differences of men and women. Often women beat around the bush when talking where often men say exactly whats on their minds, he told you exactly how he felt but you didn't want to HEAR him. As for going to your friends he's trying to make you the bad guy and if your friends believe him then they were never really your friends.

    This is going to be harsh but love is a game with no rules, unlike war that has many, and the way you're playing and the way he plays aren't even in the same galaxy. Us this as a learning experience and if you should meet someone in the future like this you know to RUN not walk to the door.

    Sometimes finding the right relationship means learning from our mistakes and lady I think this was a doozy. The good thing is you got out relatively intact, don't look back. The world is a great big place with lots of great people, be careful but enjoy what the world has to offer and remember the only person responsible for your happiness is you.

  • The longer I have been away, the more I realize I didn’t hear him and listen. He was unhappy because his needs weren’t being met. It doesn’t mean I deserved being treated that way, but I can see his side. I have attempted to reach out, but he has stated he is moving on, and it’s too late to try and work on us now. Maybe for the best, despite how much it hurts.

  • (I wrote the reply below before I wrote this one so read that one 1st. FP)

    That guy is a loser for throwing you away. It sounds like you tried your best and that's the best any of us can do.

    Not taking individual personalities into account most men, in general, are pretty simple creatures. We want decent jobs, nice places to live, vehicles we don't have to worry about s******* with to much and a mate in the middle of all that that we can s**** a lot, lol. We want a lady outside the bedroom and a s** crazed nympho inside, we rarely get that but that's what most of us want.

    I'm an old guy now and I didn't get married until I was in my 30s because I kept going all in on relationships and ending up with a broken heart. When my wife came along I was a bitter b****** and had basically given up on finding someone and I just wanted to get laid but I wanted her to come back for more so I gave it to her right the first time (that was 28yrs ago).

    I didn't do the dates, romantic dinners, long weekends or any of that other romantic crap that always led up to my break-ups. I wasn't abusive or anything remotely like that but with the history of being treated like crap I had I was determined I was going to be the one treating someone like crap for a change and not be the one getting hurt. I didn't tell her I loved her for the first 3yrs we were together even though we were just seeing each other and that was just before we started living together, we got married 5yrs after that.

    I guess I'm telling you all this for this advise. You can play the game of love 2 ways... the first (and we ALL start here) is to be all googly eyed seeing what we want or it can played with big kid rules... with your head first and heart second. This same advise was given to me in the mid 1980s and I thought they were full of s*** just like I know you think I am right now. I hope this helps you to know you're not the only one to let their heart s**** them over.

    FP

  • The longer you've been away the more you should realize that your relationship mattered a h*** of a lot more to you than to him. Like I said earlier we are all responsible for our own happiness and a good relationship should just make life better.

    Forget his side, it no longer matters. Be strong, have self respect and DON'T LET HIM CONTINUE TO S******* WITH YOUR HEAD/HEART. It sucks that he made the choice to make things turn out the way they did. If this helps at all look at it as its HIS LOSE not yours.

    As for the hurt... of course it does, he actually mattered to you and if I knew of a cure for a broken heart I'd patent it and be richer than Bill Gates in about a week, lol.

    Time will take care of the heart, right now your biggest enemy is your head, for that keep busy and one day you'll realize you haven't thought of him for days and then you'll feel sad/guilty that you haven't thought about him but that too will pass. But over time things WILL get better. As harsh as this may sound you're young. you'll adjust. How well you adjust is up to you.

    I have had lady friends tell me about something similar to what guys do, they have said "The best way to get over a guy is to get under a different one." Just to be straight I'm NOT advocating this advise, just passing on what I've been told. But doing something similar does seem to help us guys on occasion.

    I'll check back in a few days, FP

  • Leave his ass forever

  • What is seems like, to me, is that he's trying to get sympathy and attention. When a couple breaks up, the friend group splits, and the friends usually take sides. It seems like he is trying to convince everyone that he was in the right and did nothing wrong, so they'd feel bad for him and give him company. At least- that's what I can grasp from it.

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