Nightmare in Law

I can't stand my boyfriend's mother. I tried really hard to love her and accept her as she is... and I was getting there until she decided to flip out on me tonight.
Backstory: I'm currently living with my boyfriend, his brothers, and his mom who lives with them because I decided to leave my abusive family home where I was not progressing whatsoever due to my mom being a narcissist and my step-dad being an enabler. After my mom physically assaulted me, my boyfriend classified it as an emergency and immediately took me in. The only thing is, because the "move" was so spontaneous (and he lives in another state), I have literally been building a life for myself for the past couple of months. This includes getting a new phone number (so my mom and her flying monkeys can't get to me), getting a birth certificate, my social security card, a state ID, high school transcript, and job hunting. Each of these took a long period of time, and it's only now, 5 months later, that I find myself in the hiring process of a job in the child care industry that requires A LOT before I can even start my training. All the while, I'm dealing with PTSD after all that happened with my family. With that being said, I still have not given up.

What hasn't been making this any easier, is my boyfriend's mom who is manipulative, controlling, and relentless. Her relationship with her sons is defined as emotional in c e s t. (Look it up). She is beyond needy and throws tantrums whenever any of her sons show any signs of independence. One time, she started to yell, "What am I going to do? Be here alone with nothing!?" when her sons were invited to a birthday party. You can't do anything without her suddenly needing to do it (and taking it over), the kitchen being her favorite spot to do this. Need to clean? She will suddenly come in and take over, only to claim later that no one else in the house does anything (the result is now no one in the house does do anything, because she'll just do it anyway after throwing a fit). Need to cook? She will either take over it and ruin it (many meals have been ruined and/or burned after her "help"), or she will haughtily lounge in the kitchen until you decide to give her the space. To do what? I'm not sure. The kitchen is very small though, and can barely fit two people. Despite being busy in the kitchen, the moment any of her sons decide to take a moment to watch TV, she suddenly decides she was going to settle down to do the same. The worst though, is the way she emotionally manipulates those around her to see her as a victim of her circumstances when she is the one that creates all of them - especially to her eldest son, who is the main victim of her emotional i n c e st.
Last weekend, My boyfriend and I decided it was time to put a lock on the door. She had been barging in the room multiple times without any shame or remorse, for small things like, wanting to see if we had a specific cup in our room (we did not), or wanting to check something. This would be fine, if my boyfriend didn't work the graveyard shift and if she didn't take over everything else. The bedroom is our one safe haven in this house where she rules over everything. So, we got the lock. Keep in mind, that every other room in this house has a lock on the door, too -- including hers.
It wasn't until today, after my boyfriend left for work, that she discovered the lock. When I told her that, yes, we did get a lock, and answered that it was for privacy reasons when she inquired why, she hollered at me.
She told me it was disrespectful and she doesn't understand what we need privacy for, when she never comes down here (Right). When I tell her that I think this is something we should discuss with her son - my boyfriend - because I'm not comfortable talking about it, she starts to holler at me about all the things she doesn't like about me and my boyfriend and how hard life is for her now ever since I've been living here. What is so hard, you might ask? Well, now, she can't just come and go in my boyfriend's room as she pleases because I'm here and my boyfriend, being the considerate man he is, points that out to her often. Isn't it just awful that she has to consider someone other than herself for once? Isn't it just awful that her son isn't enabling her like she is so used to because her energy is beyond draining and her sons don't want to deal with it? Really, I think she's upset because now she has to share the "attention" she is so used to getting from her sons that she uses as husbands.
After all the hollering, I apologized and she calmed down, though I'm certain she will undoubtedly tell her sons what happened and paint me in a bad light. The eldest son will believe her without a second thought.
This is a selfish person that has no self-awareness. I tried really hard to empathize with her and accept her as she is. She's a lonely, old lady with no life of her own. She doesn't have a significant other or any friends. She only has her sons. I'd probably be miserable, too... I've definitely reached my limit with her though. Is it bad that I want her to leave? She has an option to go back to her home country where she was so much happier. Whatever. I can't wait to get this job so I can save up and leave. I hope my boyfriend will come with me because this is a disturbing situation to be in. I would love a way to cope.


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  • If your BF is working why don't you leave now? Also can't you find some kind of job to bring in money until you can move into the job you really want? Sounds like you moved from one bad situation to another and are just adding to this one. I can only imagine a disfuntional family adding an outsider to the mix. It is her house and her son is lucky she lets him stay there and now he brings you there. Either find a way to befriend her or to get out. If you've been there 6 mos with no job I'm sure she see's you as a mooch sponging off her and her son. So either grow up and get out on your own or deal with other peoples crap.

  • Sure you want her to leave but it's not happening. You are nothing more than an interfering interloper to her. Better work h****** your exit plan.

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