Does anyone hate their mother? If so, why?
Lately I've been recalling a lot of repressed memories about my mother. As a child, I always told myself I had the best mum in the world (because we never struggled for money, she'd let me stay up late, watch horror movies, have friends round etc etc)... But now I'm an adult and understand that so much of her behaviour was actually very negative.
I'm curious about other people's experiences. Has your opinion of your mother changed for the worse over time?
As a sort of, therapy, here's a list of things that stick with me...
- She frequently made fun of me in front of her friends (for bad spelling, mispronouncing things, not understanding..) This made me increasingly shy in high school, and reluctant to ask questions.
- Strangely, she used to punish me for using my eraser when doing homework, getting mad any time I changed an answer. Which made me petrified of making mistakes.
- If I ever got nervous or upset about challenges (like learning piano or sport), she'd pull me out, and tell me something like "Maybe it's not for you" or "Maybe you're not cut out for X". So I grew up always doubting whether I was good enough to do things whenever it got hard. This was reinforced again when I told her I wanted to be an architect... and all she could say was "That's a little too tough I think" and "I don't think you'd like to be in university that long"
- She would put important decisions on me without explaining anything. A benign example: Asking if I wanted braces when I was 10. I said no, since my friends had them and it caused them pain. But she didn't explain the benefit at all, and I wish she had just forced me like all the other mums. She also asked if I wanted a sibling. I didn't really think about it, so said "not really". I later found out that she broke up with my step dad as a result, because he wanted a kid. I hate that she put that on me. The sad truth is, I would have loved one, I just didn't know any better as a kid.
- Every time she drank, she'd turn into a completely different person. She'd slur her words, talk nonsense and say hurtful things. Whenever I confronted her she'd just say sorry and deny saying them. It made me really distrustful of her true feelings and thoughts.
- That mistrust was compounded by her constant lying. She'd lie about everything, from stupid stuff (like whether or not her bread was homemade) to serious things (like how her business was doing)
- She was extremely passive aggressive, exclusively commuting her feelings through angry jabs. It took a long time for me to learn how to communicate like an adult, because I was so used to having to read between the lines and guess what was wanted based on actions instead of words.
All my life, I've blamed myself for being too reserved, too cold, too quiet, too defeatist, too pessimistic. And of course, I'm an adult now, so it's on me to overcome those things and change myself.. but I see so clearly where those shortcomings came from, and it makes me really resent my mother.
She complains a lot that we're not as close as we used to be. But the truth is, I just don't like her as a person, like I used to.