Vent from a 15 year old girl. It's really long, I'm sorry.
I don't think I'm in the right mindset to do this.
Everyone's like, 'oh do your exams and then after you can enjoy the summer' and do what you want. But I have nothing to look forward to because surprise surprise I'm gonna be stuck at home as I have been for my entire life. I can't go out, I can't talk on the phone, I can't even go to school by myself when it's one stop away. Not to mention that one time I tried to be independent and my mom followed me to school while I was crying and begging her to leave me alone. I couldn't even take a shower without asking until I was 12. I don't know how to do anything by myself because everything's always been done for me and I never had a choice in it.
My mom treats me like I'm five and always wants me around her and I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. But she cries when I leave the room she's in and she tells me she's lonely. I feel so guilty when she says that because suddenly I'm the bad daughter and I need to always be around her and take care of her when all she does is ** shout at me. I hate loud sounds and I get scared because it reminds me of the car crash- my heart drops and I can't breathe so I go to my room and open my window and I vape because it feels good and I can breathe properly but I don't tell people about it because everyone thinks I'm doing it to be cool but I know I'm addicted and I know it's bad I ** know, okay, I just don't have another option right now.
My dealer isn't great either, he's supposed to be my friend in school but he's always making me insecure, hitting me, finding ways to touch me, making uncomfortable comments like comparing me to a ** star, making me cry and laughing in my face. I want to tear him apart like paper but I keep my mouth shut because I need those ** vapes or I'll go crazy and he even pays for me despite when I rejected him so I want to keep that because I think I've got him whipped. Without him, I wouldn't be able to pay because my mom works so hard and her dead-end job and we're a bit poor and she's getting old and she spends a lot on lottery tickets thinking one day she'll win the jackpot.
I don't even know why I always give in she's gonna die soon anyway because she just won't go to a ** hospital and see what's wrong with her health and even my dad tells me she's ** insane and you know it's true when my dad gets involved because he couldn't care less about me. I've always been his least favourite child and it shows because I'm not charismatic like my older brother or like my younger half-siblings. And now he wants me to stay away from my mom and live with him, my stepmom and his other kids but what can I do when my mom gets upset??? What is she gonna do without me? Is she gonna get lonely by herself? I just feel so hurt by the way she used to treat me but at the same time, she's always been there but it's not like I've ever had a choice.
She's the only person I see and talk to and interact with when school's out and my older brother isn't home it's so lonely at home but I guess I should be glad because she doesn't hit me anymore which is great because both her and I know that if she ever lays a hand on me again I'll kill her. Besides I can't even live with my dad because he's all about independence and I have no independent bone in my body because guess who never let me do anything by myself? My mom. And how am I meant to make my own food, go to school by myself, dispose of my tampons and wash my underwear on my own? I can't. Even though I want to and I want to do it alone but I genuinely can't. And it's worse because my dad expects me to care for my younger half-siblings but how am I going to do that when I can't even take care of myself?
My whole life I've been used by people because they think they can just step over me. Like 'do this for me', 'do that' and I can't have anything by myself, not even in school. I don't have very many friends but I hate the friends I have and they hate me too. I have a new best friend now because my last one committed suicide last year but I kind of hate this new one too. I'm so lonely in school and people make fun of me for my appearance and being quiet and they make me insecure. I'm not good at anything and I've just failed all of my mock exams because 'I wasn't in the right mindset' and gave up. My teacher said it was a car crash. I just can't even focus on anything and everyone calls me dumb and that I won't be anything but a stripper or a pornstar.
My relationships are a car crash too because I trusted the last one and he turned me into a ** object and then left. It hurt so much because he was there when my best friend died and he supported me through it and he turned around and took advantage of me and then had the ** nerve to show up to the one-year anniversary celebration of her life that I planned and was only a success because of me. I wanted to burn him with the candle I lit for my best friend but everyone was watching so I hugged him and he smelled nice and now he's with the girl he told me not to worry about. I want to scream and kill her but I can't because that's kind of against the law but her voice is the most hideous sound. It's an insult to me because how the ** did he downgrade so hard there is no way that we're on the same level, that's embarrassing.
At the same time, I also wanna get with her and watch him cry but I can't because I'm in a relationship with this guy I met at a disco and he's obsessed with me and I like the attention but hate the commitment, but he's so sweet and I don't want to break his heart. I want to be a monster and I don't want to feel anything anymore I want to ** up my life but it's already ** up enough I don't have anything to look forward to. Once in class, a teacher asked about my plans for the future and I didn't want to tell him because I have a solid idea of what I want and that is to off myself when I see fit because there's nothing in this life left for me and I don't want whatever it has to offer.
All I think of when I hear the word 'future' is sleeping around, drinking, drugs and hopefully one day, death. I never asked to be here and if I don't want to do anything, I'm not going to because I can't do this anymore I want to die so bad, if I had the chance right now I would take it. I'm scared of pain but at the same time I want to rip my skin open and bleed and then rip someone else's skin open and walk into class covered in blood and I want them to hurt and cry and fear me.
I'm nothing more than a fifteen-year-old girl who doesn't want to exist and I'm the hurt one and I'm the one who cries and I'm the scared one. I just want everything to stop. there's so much noise all the time, I want to cut my ears off and I want to go mute so I don't say stupid things and from the bottom of my heart, I don't want to be here anymore.