I've never wanted to run away until now.

Today, I woke up to my dad and stepmom fighting again, for the 4th time this week. This time she basically said she wouldn't mind getting a divorce. This isn't the first time she's said something like that, and I have witnessed/heard worse arguments in the past several years. There's always been screaming, but they would also throw and break things back then. H***, there were times I was certain they would get physically violent with each other, but they never did. 
I feel guilty  for wishing they would split up already, but then again, she's so horrible to him (and me, to an extent). I also know another divorce would break my dad's heart, and I don't want my little siblings (their kids) to have to go through a divorce as well.  
I hate being home and try to stay at school (I am in college and commute to school) as long as I can. To be honest, I feel more at home anywhere else than my own house. At home, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with my stepmom. We used to fight a lot, but eventually I learned to at least appreciate what she's done for me, stay out of her way,and keep her off my back. I help out around the house more, even if she's screaming that no one ever helps her as I'm doing it.  She blames the family's problems on everyone else, yet it's her that starts 90% of the drama by getting hysterical or overly critical of everyone.
Also, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety, and started going to counseling at my school, since I didn't know where else to turn to. I'm afraid of telling her this because I know she won't care, but will just see it as another inconvenience in her life. In the end, that's what I feel she ultimately sees me as. She may tolerate me now, but I know deep down in my heart that she can't wait for me to leave. 
Sorry if this comes off disorganized, but I'm just so tired and frustrated and I needed to vent.

2 Comments

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  • I'm really sorry they're putting you through this. I want you to know that absolutely none of this is your fault. This is their mess that they need to work through, they should keep you out of the middle as much as they possibly can. My parents went through a messy divorce several years back and I was caught right in the crossfire, so I totally understand. Most importantly don't listen to any of their abuse, saying you don't help her as you're helping, etc. It's wrong of them to put that on you and you don't deserve it. That's not what parents are supposed to do.
    Stay strong, seek out online help or phone numbers if you need someone to talk to, or if you want to talk to me, reply to this message for my email. I know you can get out of this safely. <3

  • I hear you...and I understand.Just whistle if you want to talk.

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