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I binge at night. When my family is asleep I come downstairs and I eat. I eat as much as I can. I stuff myself like a pig and it's why I'm fat. It's why my face is round and I have a double chin. It's why I can't fit into normal sized clothes or chairs with arms. Its why I can't run or go up a flight of steps without breaking into a sweat. I binge and it feels so good and it's destroying my body. Sometimes when I find a new stretch mark or outgrow another pair of pants I feel ashamed and I'll want to punish myself for being such a gross fat pig, so I'll eat even more until it hurts. I feel out of control and scared. I repulse myself and feel turned on all at the same time. I hate this about me but I don't want to stop. I want to see how far I will go. How out of control will I get? How fat? How unhealthy? I think I need help, but I want to know what will happen if I don't get it. I'm honestly terrified that I feel this way because I'm doing it. Every night I'm doing it to myself. I'm gorging on junk and watching it manifest itself all over my big heavy growing body. I'm actively ruining my body. Internally with massive doses of fat sugar and salt. I can feel my health slipping away, but what excites me is the visual manifestation of that. I can see the damage I'm doing. The shameful excessive gluttony is visible and obvious and getting worse every day. I barely recognize myself in the mirror. Who is this fat disgusting blob? I've changed so much. Grown so much. My features distorted by fat. My limbs thick and heavy to lift, my hips wide, my waist gone - overwhelmed with flab that forms tire-like rolls that hug me and hang down to my cellulite covered thighs. I'm grotesque. Obese. That is what I did. That is me and more and more it is all I am as i slip deeper and deeper into this morbid endeavor. There is so much of me now and I am almost gone.
Coming to terms with this and accepting myself has been a process, as you well know. There are days when I look at myself in the mirror and be unhappy with what I see, but tbh that happens less and less now. Really letting go made this feel even more amazing than it did before and has led to a surge in my growth. I’m gaining so quickly I feel like I’m almost inflating with fat. I think I’m reasonably happy most of the time.
As far as negativity from others, there’s been some, yes. Mainly from older members of my family and I think that it comes from their own discomfort with their own weight (although I’m a lot bigger than most of them now). I’m sure they talk about it behind my back.
But, my younger sister, who had always been a little heavier than me when we were growing up (no longer, though, hahaha), has remarked that I seem happier overall since I’ve gotten so big. She’s pretty open minded and nonjudgmental but I haven’t been able to fully admit why to her. But she has made some statements that make me think she might have figured it out on her own.
I really don’t mind you calling me huge. We both are huge, and on our way to becoming enormous.
Again I'm the one that has responded to many of your posts. Not just as an FA, I think it's great that you both have come to terms with your deep desires & are both starting to feel more comfortable with being yourselves. Seriously, you are only on this planet once, so why not enjoy your life as you want, as long as you're not hurting anyone. Both of you should find yourselves a loving, gentle FA that will spoil & care for you & be happy for you to get as fat as you want.
As I have said, my wife is enormous, over 700lbs, but we've only recently had a discussion about how fat she has become. She explained that she is truly happy, the fact that I do everything, keeping the house lovely, bring her whatever she wants, how her size drives me wild & even feels comfort in the fact that because she is so fat & it's what I like, that there is no other woman that could attract me like she does.
She never thought she would get so fat, let alone find that since she was heading for 600 that she loved how big she was getting, the softness, how her body wobbled, belly sways as she waddles & eating & eating was only making her get fatter.
I am starting to realize you are 100% right. This is my life and I don't want to spend it being miserable and at war with myself. I still wish this wasn't what I want, but I have accepted that it is what I want and that has made such a huge difference. I do not think I am ready for a relationship or maybe I just don't want one. I'm not sure, but I will need help eventually, pretty soon most likely at the rate I'm gaining. Your wife sounds beautiful and she is lucky to have you.
I'm happy for you that you've come to that realisation. You're definitely not the only one that has struggled in your mind at what societies perception of beauty is & that your perception of beauty is to surround you body in soft, sensuous fat. I've chatted to women in the same situation to gain insight into it & so many of them are turned on by how fat they are, find themselves looking at their bodies & find themselves sexier carrying a lot of weight. Yes, my wife is beautiful, I know many would say she is a morbidly obese pig, but I find her amazingly beautiful & so **. Absolutely everything about her being over 700lbs drives me wild. From her being 9'+ around the waist, how she only waddles a few steps & needs to rest because she's so fat, sitting on the 2 seat recliner her legs spread to accommodate her enormous belly which her stretch leggins are again got stretched seams as she putting on more weight. How sitting there asking me to bring her whatever food she desires as she runs her hands over her belly & say "I'm getting so nice & fat". If you want to know anything just ask.
Does she ever regret any of it? She seems to love the weight, but what about the mobility. That is what worries me a bit still. Getting around is going to be impossible eventually and probably pretty soon. I feel like I'm outgrowing the outside world and it turns me on like crazy. Does she get off on her limitations like I do?
Your happiness is all that matters. Happy sure is complicated when it comes with several hundred pounds of fat though. We are on our way to becoming enormous. I am almost there honestly and it sounds like you're catching up fast. There is no going back when you're this fat, so giving up and letting go is the best option for your happiness. It makes me happy that you are coming to terms with it.
Do you think you will tell your sister what you're doing? I haven't told anyone.