I cannot bring myself to fully trust my girlfriend.
Back in April of 2020 I linked up with a girl I use to mess around back in high school like 11 years ago. We began to mess around and sleep with each other.
She was single, I was single and we were just messing around. We would hook up almost every weekend from the middle of April. She has just come out of a 6 year relationship literally 3 weeks prior to us linking back up again. The long and short of it is. We weren't "official" but we had agreed to be exclusive.
I had fallen for her and told her that I wanted a relationship with her and she said that she wasn't ready and that she doubted that I would want not just her but everything she came with, which included her children etc. In late July and early August she slept with her ex boyfriend and she came clean about it about around the middle of August to me.
She said that she felt horrible and that I deserved to know that she had done that. She tried to excuse it by saying that we were both single and that we weren't "official". I was obviously hurt and brought up that we had agreed to be exclusive to each other although we weren't a committed couple.
In August after coming clean she said that regretted it, that she didn't know what she was thinking and that she did want a relationship with me after all. That sleeping with her ex was a mistake and that my reaction prompted her to realize that she was going to a lose a "great guy" in me.
I was hurt and very emotional, I want to add that many old feelings of rejection came flooding in at this time due to a prior betrayal years ago by a now ex gf.
A few days later after her admission, we talked it out and we both decided to be a committee couple.
From April onward and the awesome months we had until she told me what she had done this woman could do no wrong. Amazing mother, a caring person, good qualities all around, some red flags here and there but nothing that tipped the scales against her.
I was frankly blindsided that she slept with her ex bf while sleeping with me. We're currently been together for 6+ months and we've had trying times outside of my trust issue.
She had major surgery recently and for the week she was hospitalized I took care of her. Bathed, help her get out of bed, the entire works. We've been saving money together in order to move out. We've consolidated bills and the like to save. We have a plan to move out and rent an apartment or even possibly buy a home. Things are moving swiftly and we're moving both in lockstep.
Since the admission she has been very straight forward with me and open to me prying and asking any and all questions about what she did or didn't do. She gave me access to her phone, her emails, her social media to everything. She says that she has to gain my trust and if I'm being honest with myself I think it comes from a genuine place.
I'm getting over the fact that this woman who I fell for was intimate with another man. We've both been intimate with other people before we hooked up, before we made our relationship "official" but this instance hurt because I felt that I was betrayed.
What I can't get over is the deception. That she lied to me about it. Because I knew that during the summer her ex would contact her I'd always ask if they had anything going on and she would say no.
In fact that first time she slept him while hooking up with me (according to her narrative) was an evening her and I had a little spat about whatever our relationship was. But the deception is what I have the hardest time getting over and frankly I feel horrible because these past few months, If I step outside myself and think clearly I can both accept and acknowledge that she has gone above and beyond to be transparent with me, answer any questions I have about what I feel was an "affair". But I still can't bring myself to trust this woman fully. I just can't trust her fully right now and frankly, I don't know when I will be able to.
We talk about building a life together. We are actively planning and working towards moving out together at the end of this year. I don't necessarily feel like leaving her. She does make me happy. We complement each other well this far, our communication is probably the strongest aspect of our relationship. I think it has to be by necessity.
This isn't a confession. Just wanted to hear other people's thoughts on my particular situation.