Young woman struggling/Toxic people/ bad choices/ GUILT

I'm a reserved young woman going on my mid 20's, I want to confess because the guilt is too heavy

My whole life I've tried to be good, not good actually but perfect in every aspects of my being to please others.
I've realised it's not a healthy thing, I've sacrificed myself on many ways to please people therefore I've hurt myself very much and others in the process.
I met toxic people because I'm the perfect victim, I've always known that about myself but I went too far.

It started to go out of hand when I moved to another city with my mother, step father and sisters,
My new neighbors, a couple at the time were toxic, not deeply bad people I don't hate them but I was too weak to hang with people like that.
They both were alcoholics and took cocaine every day (we had no idea at the beginning) I wasn't doing anything with my life and have had been dealing with depression for 2 or 3 years (tried to kill myself etc)
They were the only people I knew in that new city, I had no one else, the guy was 10 years older than the girl, charismatic rude and verbaly agressive, the girl was fake and dumb to be honest..
they invited me to join them everyday and I would go, they kept asking me to have a drink, I said no, then after a while I started to say yes.
Then, they asked me to try cocaine telling me I'll feel better, I said no.
They knew I was depressed but they said it was bullshit, that I was just making excuses.

I was deeply hurt and didn't really want to see them from this point.
Then one of my sister left to live with my dad, my other sister wasn't around, my mom was depressed, I was depressed, I was empty.
I started to see them again and more and more, then, one night they ask me to try cocaine again I said no so many times but I was weak and I wanted to hurt myself and feel something or maybe even die? I started cocaine, it was "amazing" to feel something and to take risks, made me believe I was alive. Then one night, I was drunk, I was high, I wasn't myself and they took me to their bedroom to have s**. After what happened I couldn't sleep or eat, lost a lot of weight, was scared all the time.

I told everything to my mother the morning, she was soo disapointed and I wanted to die cause I felt so ashamed.
I stopped seeing them, (well I tried neighbors you know) and hang out with other neighbors, problem is they were toxic too..
a couple also, the guy was dumb and so childish, the girl was sweet, had emotional swings, she would sometimes go mad.
She was my age, she was lonely (from another country) missed her family and needed a friend like me.
I saw her a lot, I liked her even loved her, she was very nice to me, we called ourself cute names, wanted to get a place together, I know it wasn't gonna happened because I was not alive according to my inner feelings.
She wanted to help me take classes again, even offered me money when I told her I had none to pay for it.
She took cocaine too.
I took it with them (last time I ever took some, it was more than a year ago)
and vomited, I think it was psychological, because of what happened last time I took cocaine with the other neighbors..
The guy was always flirting, it was heavy and uncomfortable and I would laugh it off cause I couldn't say No.

Time went by and they couldn't stand eachother anymore, she planned to move out, I told her I agreed and she had to.
One day she went to her sister's wedding, and the guy asked me to come other to his place, gave me alcohol, put music on, put his hands on me while dancing and I managed to say no. But he kept going and I kept drinking and eventually we had s**.
The day after I felt terrible again, and realised I was a bad person.
Then the girl came back, the guy and her had a big argument and he said things about me being a "better lover", she send me a text, we met, asked me if we had s**, I said no, I said we kissed.
She was very upset, I hurt her deeply.
She moved he stayed, I still live half of the time with my mom and the other with my dad.
I feel terrible, tell me there is hope for me to still be a good person, not perfect, but good.
Thank you.

Mar 8, 2021

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  • Hello...continuous feeling of emasculation, fear, anxiety, un willingness to do anything all in me...Nice to meet you

  • Hey... I feel you, and that's brave to say, nice to meet you

  • Why is the entire neighbourhood such a toxic one?
    Keep away from them and don't try to fit in.Learn some new and useful art.These rats will try to claim you back but ignore them.Don't even back answer them.

  • My neighbourhood is not a fancy one, lots of poverty and drugs etc, my last place was heaven compare to this, lovely place, regular neighbors. I try to avoid seeing them, problem is my mother who told me that I was raped, (not saying I was just saying she thought so) keeps on talking to them, asking them to come in our house, two weeks after it happened she left to eat at the guy's place, I don't think she really cares. She was mad at me not them

  • Sad to know this.
    Why were you relocated? She is so callous that she goes someplace else to eat without taking you there?
    Isn't there any local organization who can protect you?

  • My parents broke up, my mom couldn't afford the house anymore. Yeah she does things like that sometimes, she just got diagnosed with bipolar disorder at least it all makes sens now and she lost her job two days ago, really don't know what's gonna happen to us now

  • This sounds very bad.
    I'm sorry for you and I hope you can find a way out of this message she has created.
    Good luck!!
    I'm on your side!!!

  • You did nothing wrong.Human history is replete with mistakes and one has to learn and never repeat them.By being good or perfect to others isn't wrong butbit's risky as people take undue advantage.
    Strike a balance between being good and being careful.Learn to be strong and say no.Stop befriending such people and play safe.Can you learn some martial art?That will keep you focused and you will be able to defend yourself.It's not just reflexes but mental toughening is possible with confidence that will develop.
    You have to forgive yourself and pick up something worthwhile.Move on.
    There is no point wallowing in guilt or self pity.You are not small.

  • Thank you, I've been thinking about starting martial art for a while now, to built up confidence and trust in myself, covid makes it impossible at the moment, but after all that I think I'll give it a try. Sometimes I feel like I forgave myself and sometimes the guilt hits me hard, and the fear of people knowing all that about me, wouldn't stand that

  • Martial arts training might involve substantial amount of money.Will your mom pay up?
    Doesn't any social service branch or something similar attached to the police help people like you and why your mom invites such people at home?

  • No my mom won't be able to pay for anything, I gave her money lately she's broke, she has debts etc.. she got diagnosed with bipolar disorder might be why

  • All of those things that happened to you weren't your fault. You have a lot of unresolved trauma and it seems like you keep getting into similar situations because of it, but it's not your fault. You're not a bad person and there is hope for you to love yourself. I hope you find happiness ❤️

  • I can't express how good it feels to finally say all this, I do have a lot of unresolved traumas from my childhood and it just kept going, that's the "perfect victim" thing. Thank you very very much for your reply, it lifted a weigh on my chest, I wish you well <3 thank you

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