Young woman struggling/Toxic people/ bad choices/ GUILT
I'm a reserved young woman going on my mid 20's, I want to confess because the guilt is too heavy
My whole life I've tried to be good, not good actually but perfect in every aspects of my being to please others.
I've realised it's not a healthy thing, I've sacrificed myself on many ways to please people therefore I've hurt myself very much and others in the process.
I met toxic people because I'm the perfect victim, I've always known that about myself but I went too far.
It started to go out of hand when I moved to another city with my mother, step father and sisters,
My new neighbors, a couple at the time were toxic, not deeply bad people I don't hate them but I was too weak to hang with people like that.
They both were alcoholics and took cocaine every day (we had no idea at the beginning) I wasn't doing anything with my life and have had been dealing with depression for 2 or 3 years (tried to kill myself etc)
They were the only people I knew in that new city, I had no one else, the guy was 10 years older than the girl, charismatic rude and verbaly agressive, the girl was fake and dumb to be honest..
they invited me to join them everyday and I would go, they kept asking me to have a drink, I said no, then after a while I started to say yes.
Then, they asked me to try cocaine telling me I'll feel better, I said no.
They knew I was depressed but they said it was bullshit, that I was just making excuses.
I was deeply hurt and didn't really want to see them from this point.
Then one of my sister left to live with my dad, my other sister wasn't around, my mom was depressed, I was depressed, I was empty.
I started to see them again and more and more, then, one night they ask me to try cocaine again I said no so many times but I was weak and I wanted to hurt myself and feel something or maybe even die? I started cocaine, it was "amazing" to feel something and to take risks, made me believe I was alive. Then one night, I was drunk, I was high, I wasn't myself and they took me to their bedroom to have s**. After what happened I couldn't sleep or eat, lost a lot of weight, was scared all the time.
I told everything to my mother the morning, she was soo disapointed and I wanted to die cause I felt so ashamed.
I stopped seeing them, (well I tried neighbors you know) and hang out with other neighbors, problem is they were toxic too..
a couple also, the guy was dumb and so childish, the girl was sweet, had emotional swings, she would sometimes go mad.
She was my age, she was lonely (from another country) missed her family and needed a friend like me.
I saw her a lot, I liked her even loved her, she was very nice to me, we called ourself cute names, wanted to get a place together, I know it wasn't gonna happened because I was not alive according to my inner feelings.
She wanted to help me take classes again, even offered me money when I told her I had none to pay for it.
She took cocaine too.
I took it with them (last time I ever took some, it was more than a year ago)
and vomited, I think it was psychological, because of what happened last time I took cocaine with the other neighbors..
The guy was always flirting, it was heavy and uncomfortable and I would laugh it off cause I couldn't say No.
Time went by and they couldn't stand eachother anymore, she planned to move out, I told her I agreed and she had to.
One day she went to her sister's wedding, and the guy asked me to come other to his place, gave me alcohol, put music on, put his hands on me while dancing and I managed to say no. But he kept going and I kept drinking and eventually we had s**.
The day after I felt terrible again, and realised I was a bad person.
Then the girl came back, the guy and her had a big argument and he said things about me being a "better lover", she send me a text, we met, asked me if we had s**, I said no, I said we kissed.
She was very upset, I hurt her deeply.
She moved he stayed, I still live half of the time with my mom and the other with my dad.
I feel terrible, tell me there is hope for me to still be a good person, not perfect, but good.