Saints & Sinners
Most people when they see me think I am sweet and innocent girl but the truth is I am far from but. When I was younger one of the boys in my street said he would give me some money if I flashed him. I liked him so I did. However he told his friends and soon I had other boys wanting me to show, sometimes I did, and sometimes I didn’t but one thing for sure was that it was a great way of making some extra pocket money and that I liked the attention. I did have rules. I would never flash to a group of boys; it was always one on one. Look, don't touch and above all it had to be a secret or I wouldn't show to them again. We would find a private area and depending on how much money they had was how much I would show. Sometimes it would be a quick flash of my chest; sometimes I would lift my top and drop my bottoms for a 10 second view. It all seemed like innocent fun to me at the time until this one time when I was about 13. I was behind the garages with a boy and we got discovered by a neighbour of mine. He was a married man and father to one of the boys I had flashed to in the past. I didn’t know what to do. I froze. The boy I was with ran off straight away but because I was half dressed I couldn't get away so easily and the man caught me. Because he saw me in the process of getting dressed, he accessed me of having s** with the boy which I was shocked to hear because of course I wasn't. I told him that I’ve never had s** and that I was just given him a quick flash and that it was all innocent. Upon hearing the news he told me to come with him. I thought I had been busted and that he was marching me straight to my parent’s, but instead he took inside one of the garages and said he wanted to see what I was showing. I was a bit shocked. I told him that I only flashed when a boy gave me money. He gave me £10 and asked me what I would do for that. I didn’t know what to do or say. No one had ever given me that much money before. I asked him if he was going to tell my parents and he said it would be our secret, so to this day I’ve kept that secret. I am not going to write the details of what happened just that I was more like a deer in headlights and just followed his commands and let him see what he wanted to see and do what he wanted to do. We didn’t have s** but sexual things happened. It was the first time anyone had ever gone down on me and that he was the first person to make me o*****. We never talked about it again. Afterwards the guilt set in. I stopped flashing to boys. I felt dirty and disgusted with myself. I bought an All Saints album with the money he gave me but then every song reminded me of him and what we did. At this point I guess I could say my story changes. As the years have gone by I have gotten over the shame of what had happened, but what I couldn’t forget was how amazing that o***** felt. I am sexually active now and have had a few boyfriends but the best o***** I can remember was that first. I sometimes fantasize about what happened in the garage with my neighbour. I think about the things we did and the things we didn’t do. I really don’t know what to do about it. I am l****** after him. I don’t know if he knows how I feel so this is why I am writing this confession. One day he might read this and know that I don’t hate him and that he shouldn’t feel bad and that I forgive him for what happened. In fact I confess that I actually really enjoyed what we did. I still get curious as to what s** would have been like with him, but now that I am older maybe one day we will.