Saints & Sinners

Most people when they see me think I am sweet and innocent girl but the truth is I am far from but. When I was younger one of the boys in my street said he would give me some money if I flashed him. I liked him so I did. However he told his friends and soon I had other boys wanting me to show, sometimes I did, and sometimes I didn’t but one thing for sure was that it was a great way of making some extra pocket money and that I liked the attention. I did have rules. I would never flash to a group of boys; it was always one on one. Look, don't touch and above all it had to be a secret or I wouldn't show to them again. We would find a private area and depending on how much money they had was how much I would show. Sometimes it would be a quick flash of my chest; sometimes I would lift my top and drop my bottoms for a 10 second view. It all seemed like innocent fun to me at the time until this one time when I was about 13. I was behind the garages with a boy and we got discovered by a neighbour of mine. He was a married man and father to one of the boys I had flashed to in the past. I didn’t know what to do. I froze. The boy I was with ran off straight away but because I was half dressed I couldn't get away so easily and the man caught me. Because he saw me in the process of getting dressed, he accessed me of having s** with the boy which I was shocked to hear because of course I wasn't. I told him that I’ve never had s** and that I was just given him a quick flash and that it was all innocent. Upon hearing the news he told me to come with him. I thought I had been busted and that he was marching me straight to my parent’s, but instead he took inside one of the garages and said he wanted to see what I was showing. I was a bit shocked. I told him that I only flashed when a boy gave me money. He gave me £10 and asked me what I would do for that. I didn’t know what to do or say. No one had ever given me that much money before. I asked him if he was going to tell my parents and he said it would be our secret, so to this day I’ve kept that secret. I am not going to write the details of what happened just that I was more like a deer in headlights and just followed his commands and let him see what he wanted to see and do what he wanted to do. We didn’t have s** but sexual things happened. It was the first time anyone had ever gone down on me and that he was the first person to make me o*****. We never talked about it again. Afterwards the guilt set in. I stopped flashing to boys. I felt dirty and disgusted with myself. I bought an All Saints album with the money he gave me but then every song reminded me of him and what we did. At this point I guess I could say my story changes. As the years have gone by I have gotten over the shame of what had happened, but what I couldn’t forget was how amazing that o***** felt. I am sexually active now and have had a few boyfriends but the best o***** I can remember was that first. I sometimes fantasize about what happened in the garage with my neighbour. I think about the things we did and the things we didn’t do. I really don’t know what to do about it. I am l****** after him. I don’t know if he knows how I feel so this is why I am writing this confession. One day he might read this and know that I don’t hate him and that he shouldn’t feel bad and that I forgive him for what happened. In fact I confess that I actually really enjoyed what we did. I still get curious as to what s** would have been like with him, but now that I am older maybe one day we will.

Jul 8, 2010

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  • Above all, don't feel guilty. You were obviously sexually mature but not emotionally mature. Sexual feelings come on and suprise so many people when they are you. What that man did to you was very wrong, but you were innocent. There are rape and incest victims that for years live with shame that they may have even slightly enjoyed the encounters, whether sexually or for the attention or whatever. But please don't try to contact this scum-bag. Try to direct your l*** to a man who has never molested a child and whom you can build a loving relationship. And consider some counseling. It's not wrong for you to l*** after this man, much weirder things have happened, but probably not healthy for you to obsess about it.

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