My Soulmate Is Engaged to Someone Else

I reached out to my ex boyfriend recently because I've gotten some desperately needed therapy and realized how hurtful some of my actions were when I was with him that were the result of my untreated mental illness and trauma.I just wanted to apologize and make sure he is ok. I could probably write a book about this but we have a long and complicated history.

We first got together 10 years ago and it was magical, beautiful, and amazing. I have never loved anyone that powerfully before or since. We rushed moving in together, he was separated from a wife with whom he had two young children, lost his job and didn't get another for many months (which was my reason at the time for treating him poorly - being resentful and contemptuous and having an incident where I cheated). I myself had just gotten out of a horrifying abusive relationship just a couple months before we met and I did not deal with any of that. Eventually I left him because I was wearing myself thin trying to support him and the kids and I did not make enough money to do that. But I couldn't quite let him go and did this back and forth thing. He had a hard time letting go of me too; he always loved me so strongly.

Finally I moved out of state because I just couldn't deal with a lot going on in my life. I then came back on a visit before moving to another state and fell back into things with him but ultimately left anyway, which I consider one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

After I moved away that time he got with the woman he's currently with (now we're at about 6-7 years ago). We would still talk occasionally and I did not like what I heard about this woman. One time about 6 months into the relationship my ex had to go to the hospital because of her breaking glass all over in a jealous rage. There were other violent incidents. I told him at the time that this sounded like an abusive relationship but that's all I could do; he made the choice to stay and so I just really didn't talk to him much to respect his decision. They had a baby together about 3 years ago. Not long after, I got a Facebook message from her sent through his account that said "if you ever contact him again he will lose his child. I suggest you back off". Apparently this was after another of their violent nights where she blacked out and kicked him out of the house but kept his phone. He wrote the next day to say what had happened but still chose to stay with her because he didn't want to go through breaking up their family. I didn't say a word to him since then because I was worried that she'd see it and have another excuse to hurt him.

I thought about him all the time. Even though I've been in several relationships since I have never felt a love as strong as I do for him. Starting at that time I thought if he were free again I would be with him in a second. I have grown a lot and I believe we could work through our past issues. I'm 35 now and regret never having married or had children. He's the only person I've ever been with that I've actually wanted to have his child.

I wrote him that message just to apologize and make sure that he wasn't still being harmed. He said that their communication is healthier now and that he forgave me and apologized for how he didn't support me. We wrote back and forth and then he asked to call me. Within 30 seconds he told me he loved me. I told him I loved him too and that I'd have him back in a second. But he's been engaged to this woman for several years now. He said that despite everything she "always chose (him)" and was determined to be together. But then he said he didn't know what to do because how could he marry her when he was saying this to me and that he'd be in touch again when he could.

I don't want him to do anything wrong to his family. His fiancee may have improved but I am quite sure she wouldn't take losing him lying down, and the consequences to their child could be deep. I don't want to be responsible for causing pain and upheaval in a child's life. As much as I dislike his fiancee, I know she's a person too with her own trauma and mental illness going on, like me. And certainly I wasn't perfect when I was with him either, although I would never have done the awful things she has. Whatever he does, I need him to act with care for them and his situation. I want to tell him next time we talk that I can't do it if he's just going to run away; he needs to do things the right way to show respect for both of us. He needs to decide independent of his feelings for me if his fiancee is really a person he wants to marry. If he decides to go ahead, I will be crushed but will respect them and keep away. If not, he needs to break it of kindly and respectfully and negotiate a custody agreement in everyone's best interest, most especially the child's.

Am I crazy to think this can actually happen? I've long considered him the love of my life and if we could be together again I'd be so happy to be together the rest of our lives. But if he came to me without doing it the right way I feel like it would just be tainted and I would feel ashamed of breaking up a family. Is there any way this could go okay in the end?

21 days

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