I want to die violently

I told my abuser he harrassed me. He was too uncomfortable to talk about it... the pity in his eyes. I'm such a b****. I've been molested by my mother, random guys touched me, weird creepy neighbors, the works. Talked to pedophiles on the internet and let myself be groomed into sharing nudes and s***. But none of them are bad enough.
I just want someone to hurt me but know it. I don't want the "I care about you" s*** or silence. Just tell me I'm f****** worthless and rape, drug, punch, kick, bite, choke me.
I don't find it hot. Or fun. I just want to deserve feeling pathetic. Then, I want to die. And I want my abusers to gasp and scream at what they did to this poor, 'innocent' girl. I'm f****** disabled by my trauma anyway, might as well let someone have their fun.

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