I might be a psychopath

I've been keeping this for years now. When I was 6, I used to mix milk and poison powder. I thought about killing a cat. I told my younger sister about it (since I'm the oldest amongst us) but my sister said it's a bad idea. But then I remember getting mad at her and calling her stupid for such a great act. I placed the milk outside our door. I waited for hours. But when I opened our door, the milk wasn't there. I got so confused and looked around. And then I saw the poisoned milk in the trash. I got so mad. I went inside and asked my mom if she saw any milk at out doorstep. She said no. I asked my sister, and she said yes. She admitted that she decided to trash it because killing is bad she said. I smiled at her, and told her to come inside in my room with me. She followed me there. I was so p***** that I threw my book at her. She had a bruise on her forehead. I wanted to kill her. I tried to strangle her, but I heard mom calling us. We went outside and I made my sister lie that she accidentally hit her head on my bookshelf.

Now, I'm 14, I often crave about killing someone. But specifically, men and those people I hate and who did me dirty. I want revenge. I often think about ways on how I want to kill them. I have a knife. That knife gives me comfort. I want to stab them in their neck, slowly because it'll be painful. And then take the knife out slowly, so they're gonna bleed to death. Or I want to shoot them in the chest, multiple times. Making sure that they're dead. But I don't have any gun. I want to slice their wrist. I want to watch them bleed after I cut their veins. I want to strangle them until they turn blue or purple. Sometimes, I imagine what might be the scenario of my killings. Sometimes I want to do it in a clean way, but sometimes in a messy b***** way. And when I say clean way, I think about poisoning them. Or injecting them a dangerous drug that'll cause them a heart attack. And when I say in a messy way, you know what I mean.

I haven't killed anyone or anything right now. I don't know how long I can hold this. I can't even feel anything. I can't feel a single pain. I cut myself, but instead of feeling hurt. I just enjoyed watching my blood flow. I don't like the feeling of affection. It cringes me. I just can't cry or feel anything. But I do get tired. I'm tired of not feeling anything. When I think, I should.

I wanna feel something. But, I just... can't.

Mar 18

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