Mental Breakdown Incoming

There’s no confession here, I didn’t do much wrong…

My mom is two faced. She is a very religious person who has a bright personality that out shines how manipulative she can get. She constantly belittles me, calling me ungrateful any time I try to express something that she’s done that hurts me- so I killed her goldfish.

I poured bleach in the tank and watched them struggle to swim before they died. I felt bad for a moment… but that was the only way for her to feel how I felt..

I was suffocating. Being forced to live with them is suffocating.

When I was looking into moving out, she cried and begged me to promise her not to leave. After my 3rd (and only publicly realized) suicide attempt, she wants me gone.

It’s nothing but back and forth decisions- the only allowable ones must be in her favor…

My step dad is the worst. Not only did he feel on me and FORGET, he always bad mouths my sisters around me. It makes me certain he does the same about me around others. He literally said that I was wasting potential and that people would be shocked with the way my life turned out because they expected so much more from me.

I’m 21 working at a fast food restaurant. I plan to go to college again and this time graduate. I was forced to withdraw in 2020 because I broke my ankle and needed immediate surgery which put me back in this h*** hole.

Even though I work, anytime I’m off or am scheduled off, my stepdad always talks about how lazy I am. “You hardly even work.”

I go to work and do my duties there, then I come home and have to keep the house clean. I have to fold their clothes, clean their room- my grandmother lives in the house with us and she doesn’t bother to help manage the house. I don’t stay there for free, I pay each month yet still I’m supposed to live how they tell me to.

I want to f****** die, because everything is so out of control and there is hardly any way for my feelings and my concerns to be heard and resolved.

Anytime I get angry for them manipulating me into doing things, I’m scolded- yelled at and cursed at.

There’s literally no where to go and I’ve planned their deaths more than once in my life…

I’m fed up. And there’s no one I can tell these things to. There’s no way to make things better. It’s just a matter of opportunity.

I’ve recently tried to commit suicide by using helium but I didn’t buy enough. I think I’ll need to buy 6 of those smaller tanks I order to be successful… hopefully I’ll find something easier than ODing. I’ve thought about jumping off the bridge near me but if I fail, I’d hate to live life in a worse state than before.

I only get through each day by ignoring how I’m feeling- by ignoring the way things are, and hoping that things will get better: either my life will change drastically for the good in an instant( and it must be possible because my life changed for the worse the instant I broke my ankle), or I’ll find the best way/ and the motive to just end it.

Apr 30

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