I’m lonley again.

I’m so lonley, ever since D (my best friend) got with M (his current partner) I’ve been feeling so lonley, I really want a partner :) but i don’t feel romantic feeling towards anyone, I never have, and it’s so draining seeing him so happy in a relationship. I know it’s not either of their faults that I feel this way, it’s my own problem that I have to deal with. Maybe one day I’ll find someone, or not. I haven’t told anyone about me being cupioromantic, except for that here but nobody knows who I am ( cupioromantic is when you don’t feel romantic feeling but still want a relationship). today was okay but then it turned to s***, I joined D and M on a game. obviously I played by myself the whole time, I was bored out of my mind the whole time but I stayed, ‘maybe I’ll be able to join in, I really wanna be friends with M so we can all play together and no one is left out’ I thought. I knew we wouldn’t call with me and D together for a bit at first because I heard he’s nervous around people, but now I don’t think either of them want me to join in when they’re together, now I’m the second choice. I wasn’t before. But. Now. I. Am. Again. I hate who I am, I hate being childish. I hate being sensitive inside but hiding with laughs and smiles, jokes and I hate over exaggerating my feelings so it seems like I’m being sarcastic. I hate being a people pleaser, if someone hurts me, and I mean badly I make the situation look good for them to reassure the other person, Even if all I feel is sadness, fear, and exhaustion. I bottle everything up and I’ve been crying a lot at night latley. I don’t know why. Well actually I do and I’m lying to myself because I know why and I’m just being a people pleaser again. I wish I had more friends but no one wants to be my friend. They only want to talk to me when their number one is offline, that’s all it will ever be and my dream of becoming a streamer or YouTuber will never pop off because I’m too scared to stream and when I did have the confidence, was when D decided to stream with me. But like I thought he threw in the towel and got over his “dream” except it was never his dream, but a lie he made because he never actually wanted this dream and thought I would be over it just like he was, we both knew yet I got so excited. I even shed happy tears for something that I knew deep inside would never happen.

Aug 8

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