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I've got issues from my past, now I have to wait for the future.
I feel gross now but this is probably my future anyways. As a kid I was overexposed to the internet. Free range to whatever. My neighbor asked if I wanted to watch **, I said yes and I don’t know why. I was seven. I am now 13 and soon I’ll be 14. I told myself under 6 months ago I would never make it past 13, that I would never get a job or graduate. I thought I would kill myself. Since 7 I’ve coped sexually and at 12 I was posting my body online, perfectly lying about who I was, convincing people I was 19. I was living a double life. A life built off of lies, but the attention was beautiful. I never got it in real life so being faceless and just a body gave attention cause of genetics or something. I’m hypersexual. I was transgender but I felt too sexually active and started thinking that guys wouldn’t like me with short hair if I was ever asked for pictures of my face. My pronouns are she/they. I don’t love she but more people like that. He and She never felt right when I wrote a book for myself. They/Them did. I worried people would find that more unattractive so I don’t use them a lot. My life is based on my body. I have been not mentally well recently. I’ve been craving getting any kind of high but with no weed I settled on disgusting ** vodka. Im so self aware but I don’t know what to do. For people who find bits of themselves in this, Im so sorry and I love you. I heard it a lot but sometimes something genuine is what you need. Im sobbing right now writing this as I’ve never said any of this before and no one knows about it. I’ve had horrible things happen to me and found my pictures being sold. I regret what I’ve done and all the partners that were amazingly funny and wonderful but way too old. I’m mature now but I’m stuck aging a year at a time. I’ve always been mature and now it’ll haunt me. My future isn’t planned because I swore I’d be dead but I’m not. Just sad, and very scared of dying but more scared of being an adult and somehow sick of being a teen. I always listen to people but never have I written how I feel. I love you all and thank you for reading. If you know how I feel and emotionally aren’t well, I am a LGBTQ+ youth and the Trevor project had done everything for me and they have been there when it was too bad to talk to anyone else too. Thetrevorproject**** has a chat feature for laptops but also have a number to call and text on the same website. 988 is the national hotline number. I love you, you are worth it. Your worth the air, the time, the money and the energy it takes for you to live. You are worth it to me, and all of us. I've posted this on a different website but I want people that need to find it to see my story.
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