Loving someone online really **

I met this person online about 2ish years ago in 2021. Let's call him "N". At first I found him annoying and didn't really pay attention to him. I was dating his friend, I know I was way too young to be dating. We had broken up because he didn't like how it was an online relationship.

After that a lot of relationships happened that shouldn't have. Overtime me and N got closer and closer I had liked him a lot. Yet, he made me upset at times over stupid things in Minecraft or something like that or made me cry without know it. He didn't really open up to me he would never talk about his emotions or be sincere about anything. We were pretty close we would call until 6 in the morning or even later, plan trips to Disneyland together, watch movies together, play videogames, ect. Then this girl "M" came in and kind of shoved me out of the whole online friend group and nobody really did anything to stop her or say anything. Not even N which hurt a whole bunch he started doing the things I did with him with her. I guess it was fine she actually lives by him. I live 13hrs away from him she's 10 minutes away.

We eventually stopped talking and I missed him and the rest of my friends a lot. So much happened while I wasn't talking to them, I became so depressed and mentally bent out of shape that I tried to take my own life. It didn't work of course and I'm grateful that it didn't because during summer 2022 I was talking with all of them again they had dropped M.

I had reconnected with N and god I fell in love harder then I had before. Every time I called him he always made me laugh and extremely happy. We went back to calling till the sun came up, playing videogames together, enjoying each other's company. Then we had started making this really really stupid joke where we would say really heartfelt things then say "sike"

He said "can we date you’re so beautiful. You always make me laugh, you always make me smile. You literally make me want to become a better person... I really enjoy every moment we spend together. My time has no value unless its spent with you. I tell everyone of my irls how awesome you are. Thank you for being you. Whenever you need someone to be there for you, know that i’ll always be right there by your side. I love you so much. I don’t think you ever realize how amazing you are sometimes"

"sike"

Most of the time I would always just brush it off but I would repeat the words "Did he really mean it?" in my head so often. It messed with me but I wouldn't take it to heart. We were even closer now he would call me at the most random times during the day or even at night and those minutes of talking would turn into hours. I loved spending time with him so much I loved hearing his laugh, seeing him smile on that ** webcam anytime I said something. I wanted to believe he liked me but I thought he was being friendly. Even if he did like me what would we do online date? We both knew we didn't like that idea and constantly made jokes about it.

There was one joke that we made just between us and it wasn't the most comedic thing either. We would ask each other for ** pictures because obviously he didn't have any and I thought he didn't actually want nudes. Till one day he said

"whatever you'll come around"

My rose tinted glasses shattered right there. He reminded me he's just a teenage boy. He reminded me that he wasn't who he was in my head. After he said that I had a panic attack I couldn't see straight, my fingertips hurt so much, I felt so dizzy. I know I sound dramatic but I loved him so much and I still do.

After that I felt uncomfortable talking to him and I didn't talk to him about it and instead tried to talk to him less. He talked with my close friend about why I wasn't talking to him and she sent me a screenshot saying

"I love her but I always say the wrong **"

I honestly didn't know what to do because even if we did like each other we couldn't date. At least normally I wouldn't be able to kiss him, hold his hand, hug him or anything. I decided it would be best if I just stopped talking to him all together so we wouldn't have that situation.

I finish my freshman year and I let him come back into my life lmao ik very hypocritical but I missed him a lot even though I had dated another person I still missed him.

We started talking again recently and I can feel my feelings come back and I wanna just confess everything and talk with him about it then block him AHHAHA I DON;T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMOREEEEEEEE.

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