Nothings really a confessions here, just I got no one to rant to. Though that's my fault so I can't complain. I'll just go here for it in the hopes that it'll help me perform easier afterwards.
My cousins family 'surprised' us with a visit to our house wherein they are to sleep over for... who knows how long. My mom of course planned it with them, I think? I dunno, cause we've barely even had any food for them so far. 🤷 Anyway, it was for my graduation.
So anyway, naturally, on the first day of their visit, I was [surprised] with a whole new set of duties and a long night staying up to clean and put a toddler to bed. What a surprise.
Well, I love them to death anyways, so I guess it all shouldn't matter too much. But well the problem is that I simply don't have enough emotional energy to put up with and enjoy this. I was already trying to scrape up the energy to text my friends back after having esssntially ghosted them for the past few months, and literally on the day I was working towards doing it, they arrived. With their toddler. The one that loves me.
Now last time, a couple of years ago, when we came to their house as guests, I easily became the sole babysitter for the kid. I actually enjoyed it and was willing to/had enough energy to throw it all at her, no matter how many times they kept asking(and they kept on asking) "are you sure?" The question annoyed the everything ** ** out of me, because DOES IT LOOK LIKE. I AM. TIRED. seriously what is wrong with me being more than fine with it. I didn't want their incessant questioning to influence my feelings enough for me to grow tired, because I knew very ** well that it was a possibility.
This time, I didnt even have the energy *before* they, as a [surprise], came, and so...
**, I'm tired. I hate it that im tired. I hate it that my every emotion is so clear to anyone who just glances at me. But even so, I still gotta play with the kid. So much energy... I dont have it, I just don't have it. I can't even bond with my older cousins, because from the moment I am within eyesight of the little one, I am within her possession. Her family doesn't do anything about it, I'm guessing because I expressed I was okay with it last time? But they weren't even the ones asking if I was okay with it last time-it was my mom. I get it, and yknow, I really wanted to give them a break from her last time too. But if I don't have anything telling me I'll be able to save at least an ounce of my energy for whatever else I need to do in secret, then I simply can't take much of this at all.
I'm like suuuuuuuperrrr weak right now. And I can escape, like I'm doing now, sometimes, but the very fact that it isn't guaranteed makes it almost impossible for me to actually be able to sit down and conserve my energy for the things I actually need to allocate it to. Like, I'm supposed to be doing schoolwork, but since idek when is a good time for me to be free, I can't get myself to grab my laptop and sit down and do it. Any breaks I have are just me laying there doing nothing. I'm eating up whatever free time I'm able to get like a starved person who doesn't know when their next meal will be, and it's just so stupid. I know I can't blame anybody but myself when time passes and I still haven't gotten anything done.
When I leave this room, my attention must be on her, undivided. There's no question of when I'll be able to divide that attention, and so...as a weak person, I'm always giving up.
When they leave, I'll be super sad and miss them and regret having done things like what I'm doing now, closing myself off in a room.
But when I actually leave this room, I won't have enough energy to actually make the most of my time with them. It's a lose lose lose situation, and I don't even know, man. Maybe they should just leave...

Now my mom is looking for me bye

May 30

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