Im an alcoholic.
I have to call myself that because people wont view you as one if you haven't actually ever drank alcohol in your life.
But im still a stumbling drunkard.
Ive always been able to identify the feeling, since like...maybe 9th grade.
I joke about drugs and being a drug dealer and drinking alcohol often despite being a law abiding honors student because that is how I truly view myself.
It's really not sad(,being able to realize such a thing). It shouldnt really be all that shocking, either.
Tripping over my emotions, stumbling into the arms of a night full of indulgence.
Anime, webtoon, video games, youtube, my imagination, music. Strong emotions perpetuated by the self too. Anything which is a distraction can be an addiction. Why is it so hard to see?

Have you ever known a girl who is just obsessed with her soggy love life? Bumbling about, reaching highs of emotion via a single tiny interaction only.
This too is an addiction. Why do you think it disgusts some people? You didnt necessarily have to reach those highs if you had nothing to get from it. You cant just tell me that "the heart is uncontrollable" because the way you respond to your heart's urges matters way too much too. You definitely have at least some control over it, or else youve got an issue. You know what is an example of an "issue"? Addiction is. You've got an addiction. Because what worshipping a love life gets you is emotional highs you've never even thought existed. It's suffering, but as human beings, we just aren't that logical in the first place...

Failure, too. There are so many aspects of this life that are super easy to get addicted to, especially because we only have our eyes on the more tangible examples of the concept. If I wasnt addicted to failure, then perhaps I wouldn't be here! But fear sure does something, now doesn't it! Fear and Addiction. They must be best friends! Working in tandem to ruin us! I can't say I wasn't having a good time before I decided to try crawling away...
But say, that's the thing! I definitely wasn't having a good time either! It sucked! Like, really bad! Once I was physically isolated, I eventually abandoned all of my friends. Just like how alcohol and cocaine addictions work...
Back on track! But say, that's the thing!
Addictions give us highs(and lows), and fear helps to ensure we are actively searching for those highs too, if not kept in check, even despite the obvious existance of those lows which come as a result of acting too much on those fears.
Addiction is a huggeeee thing, but believe it or not, those behavioral concepts which lie within addiction also happen to lie in the more ...tame-r aspects of life!

You can stay up all night watching an anime and still be a productive good-man during the day-time!
The fact that it isn't entirely ruining your life makes it so that you can easily say "well, the benefits outweigh the costs!" But is that really true?
Tell me, tell me why the businessman commits suicide? He was addicted to his business, lacking in other things, reached a boiling point? But you are addicted to something else, lacking in what he has, and....well why haven't you committed suicide yet? ((I don't seriously mean that, don't do that, it is not a suggestion. That's right, keep a move on, chop chop! I do want you to keep on living, wish ya the best.)) Balance, perhaps? Hmm. Balance. Not that your life is completely balanced at all, but perhaps it is much moreso than that of the businessman. But still, I can't just suggest that you balance your life out entirely. What the ** does that even mean? Exactly. The stuff just doesn't exist. Y'see, we're human beings, consistently inconsistent, imperfect, and so why would we aim for a perfect balance? The truth probably is that a perfect balance of 50/50 probably shouldn't exist for us. So then, it's up to our Priorities.
Addiction is an extreme form of Priority.
Alcohol Addiction is an extreme tangible form of Priority.
Because it's such an extreme form of it, wherein you can clearly see the other facets of that individual's life being oh so malnourished, you are able to loudly reject it.
But what happens when all other mini versions of Addiction are left to their own devices?
A premature argument would be that everybody needs to "live a little" in order to feel satisfied, but at the moment, I'm rejecting that in favor of something which has much more arguments attached to it.

First. Mini addictions build up to form (culminate into) a bigger addiction or fear concept,... or does that big addiction concept eventually result in thousands of tiny mini addictions? If it were the egg vs the chicken, then in this situation, I'd have to say... the chicken. The Big Addiction concept is the founding titan of the mini addictions. This should be why what we choose to be "addicted to" is much more important than we let on.
... ... .. .
Ohh. Oh my... augh. I really, really would like to finish this, but. I'm getting tired! Noooooooooo
I dont feel like organizing my thoughts anymore! I just came here to vent!? Ahhh come on im not done yet!!!!! Eugh...
Do you think it'd be a good thing if I finish this later?
But the me one day from now could be on a totally different track than the me right now! Which! Is! Why! It! Is! Important! To! Finish! This! At least for my own sake! Can't...do it...
Aooooo I. I'll resend a finished version if I ever finish it up before I go to sleep, okay... does anyone even want to hear my stupid rant... a mAn wHo ThiNks wait let me look it up.. "a pErSoN wHo ThINkS aLL tHe tIME hAS nOtHiNG tO tHoInK aBouTe EGgZePT thootS" but listen!! I really had something to say! I think đź« 
A-anyway, choose your priorities wisely! Start off with your main drive concept! If it's really important to you, don't settle for it to be in second place, because then you may as well have not had it there at all! Think about it! If something feels as though its missing, keep searching tirelessly! No matter what suffering you think youll be enduring, if you have not already found what calms your soul, then youre actually just running Truesuffering•exe in the background! Which isn't good! Most of all dont settle, dont lie to yourself! Even if it hurts not to, I swear it's for the better! Choose your pain!!! I can guarantee you that one type of suffering is much better than the other, even if the best one is higher in intensity! Live importantly live, and die a real death! I may lose track of what's important often, but as long as im tethered to the truest priority, then it will be my guide even when I am super duper lost! So I hope the bestest for you too!!! And let's all pick each other up as human beings too, okay!

The search for the truest form of living-truest, not most comfortable--Think about it, okay?

. . .

Ohh and, I think I'm gonna start doodling again, so if someone sees/saw me on doodleordie, I'm Jekylland! Small world reminder! Hiiiii

Have a great day, guys! Easier thought than done, so good luck life-ing! Seriously rooting for ya all!

Jul 28

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