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My school life and mental health is **.
My life is fairly normal. everyday when i wake up and throughout the day i have no energy whatsoever, i can sleep for 12 hours straight, yet i'll still be tired. Ever since the pandemic, ive developed crippling anxiety. Ive started to stutter alot, even sweating and growing hot at times.
i get extremely paranoid and panicked whenever im alone, and whenever im with strangers, i get ** off my the simplest actions they do. its incredibly hard for me to talk to people, because i overthink and speak too fast, and everytime i make a new friend, they drift away from me after a week or so. heck even some of my close friends have started to drift away from me.
i cant even tell this to my own parents because my mum is a depressed sack of **. its so unfair because every night i can just hear her argue with my dad about painkillers. i knew that my mum's mental state want the best since i was 7, when she yelled at me, telling me that she'll cut off her own fingers while holding a cleaver. when im at school, she hides in her room all day on her phone, and she never eats properly. in rare moments, shes a really good mum. my dad is a busy man.
ive been wanting to tell this to my closest friends, but im afraid to do so because im always the one they come to for their troubles. im pretty sure they think of me as a spoilt stress free guy with way too much free time on their hands, and a supportive mother. i cant blame them, i never tell them those things. ive never told anyone about this, im scared that they might make fun of me, or just pass me off as being overdramatic.
mental illness is extremely common in my family, my cousin is schizophrenic and depressed, my grandpa has bpd and something else, and my aunt is the main cause of my cousin's depression. i wouldnt be surprised if i had something wrong with me seeing that my sister has adhd and is being tested for sociopathy.
im not sure if anyone is still reading this far, but i really hate myself and my parents. even my distant relatives. it may not be their fault, but i ** hate them for it. words cannot explain any of this **.
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