Account Login
Just some
I want to drink so bad. It’s an intense urge. To numb myself. I want to be drunk. I’m not sure why. Maybe to forget. About everything. I know it’s only a short term solution that can cause long term problems. But that doesn’t stop me from craving it even less. Sometimes even in the most quiet moments of life I feel the need to scream. To yell about all the atrocities that’s been done to me. About how much I’ve hurt. And just maybe a taste of whiskey would ease that pain. Maybe it would stop me from feeling so sore. Being sober is such a pain. How much easier it would be to cruise through life half awake. Unaware of everything around me. I’m sick of it. Or just to be dead. I guess getting drunk is my cheat of death.
It’s stupid. I know. Alcoholism runs in the family. I’d be purposely walking into a bear trap. Letting myself get caught. I wouldn’t be the first. And I don’t doubt I would be the last. Isn’t that kinda ** up? Something that my grandparents and great grandparents ** over even my generation. I know ** well how it did.
It used to scare me y’know. And then one day it stopped being as scary. It became something I wanted. The scene of my sister passed out drunk used to haunt me. I vowed that I’d never touch the stuff. Now I find myself, her age, and taking every chance to drink even just a little. Despite how much I know I’ll hate it. How its bitter taste burns my tongue.
I remember once at a family party. There were beers open, and I felt like **. I walked into the kitchen where my parents were and without thinking grabbed one of their beers. Drinking some before I realized that I shouldn’t do that. That I’m not even of age to drink. I put it down and didn’t acknowledge what I just did. Instead ignoring it and grabbing some food. Then returning to the living room.
So now I sit on the kitchen floor. Basically restraining myself there. To keep myself from where I know they keep the liquor. I even went as far to make brownies to keep myself from self destructing. Even then it’s futile. I know it’s not an if, it’s a when.
No Comments Yet