** Offender

According to the state of Arkansas, I am a ** Offender. But not what you think. I’m not a child molester or **. I haven’t had ** with my sister. My crime is that I have fathered 17 children, 12 of which are alive (3 abortions, 1 miscarriage, and 1 infancy death). My crime is not being able to afford child support to all of them.

Being put on a list like this may sound like a really severe punishment, but it’s not. Arkansas doesn’t really know what they are doing. Let me explain. Before I have sexual relations with any woman (or man, for that matter), I must notify them of my status. Just telling them could lead to a “he said, she said” situation. The state has devised an official looking form notifying “To whom it may concern”. It has the state seal at the top and is signed by a family court judge. Looks very official, and it is. Before we do anything, I have them sign and date at the bottom. If I were found to have ** with a woman without notification, it carries the same penalty as **. No thanks.

When I meet a woman, and tell her I’m a registered ** offender, they almost always recoil away. You can tell a lot about a woman by her reaction to that statement. Anyway, then I show them my form. It lists my crime as “Failure to support dependent child/children”. I explain that I’ve fathered 17 kids and can’t pay for them all. Suddenly they move in and are much more interested. I’ve discovered that women love men who are desired by other women. There’s also a subset that loves to fix “broken” men. I appeal to both. Sure, some become uninterested, even after the “17 kids” line. They are probably looking for more than a hook up—realizing I won’t be able to support them, they move on. Fine with me.

I’ve gotten laid more with that form more than any pickup line I’ve ever used. In fact, the last child came from a woman that I met using the form. And the form is a great ice breaker. I use the “before we go any further, I have something to show you” line. The form cuts through all the chitchat and pleasantries. It gets right to the chase. Subtle, or not, it’s very effective.

The Office of Child Support Enforcement representative, a chubby cute woman in her late 30’s or early 40's, gave me a copy of the form, then said “You’ll probably need a few more, made about 25 copies, and handed them to me. She’s sweet, even if her sole purpose in life is to make my life difficult. The next time I go in for a visit, I’m going to present the form back to her and see if she'll sign it.

Here’s another nuance to Arkansas child support. The maximum the state can take from me is 60% of my income. I make a little under $4,000 per month managing a small warehouse, driving a forklift, etc. That means I can keep $1,600 and have to pay out the remaining $2,400. One of my kids was taken from the mother by Arkansas and is in foster care. That bill is $792 per month. That comes out of the $2,400 before any mothers get their money. Mother Arkansas gets hers first. So, there’s about $1,600 left. Here’s the great deal. So long as I pay out that 60%, and can prove it each month with cancelled checks, the state can’t garnish my wages.

Most men can’t prevent garnishment because they are already delinquent when the Office of Child Support Enforcement opens their case. I wasn’t. I’d been paying about 2/3 of my pay to some of the mothers before they opened the case. I had cancelled checks to prove it. I had agreements with the mothers--at least some of them--because it was the right thing to do. No lawyers or court orders.

Even better, I can pay that money out to any combination of the 10 mothers (1 has 2 kids), so long as I don’t exceed the standard child support rate, which is $610 per month, to any one mother. 3 of the mothers are married, so they’re on their own. Of the remaining 7, the women who are nicest to me and provide me with favors get paid. No favors, no money. It’s like having 7 wives all competing for my affection. I only wish I made more money so they’d compete more vigorously.

I am considering offering one mother the maximum each month--before the others get theirs--if she has another child by me. If that works, after the child is born, I'll make the same offer to another mother. And so on. I really do want more kids.

Of course, in the meantime, I have the form.

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