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Disgusted with myself for fantasizing about my pathetic uncle
I've been having inappropriate thoughts about my blood relative and other older men from my childhood after my divorce. Im 30, my uncle is over twice my age and I'm not sure when it started but i never see him so i barely consider him a relative in my subconcious i guess. I saw him for the first time in about 15 years at my grandpas (his dads) funeral and it was insane to see how he aged and sickening to have an intrusive thought say "he used to be more handsome"
It certainly doesn't ** help that my mom keeps photos of absolutely everything, including "revenge" pics (creep shots of him to use for blackmail) as payback for him bullying my mom and her sisters as kids, now i have that lying around taunting me.
I had a dream that he was reading a book and layed down on my bed but didnt notice i was there. A pile of dirty laundry strewn about the bed, he didnt know it was mine. He lifted up my thong from under a shirt and started examining it, how the ** annoying discoloration always happens and i have to buy new ones but i dont have the money so they just stay there and look filthy and old and used. Which they were but apparently he didnt care and he brought it closer to his face. Logicaly i should've kicked his teeth in but this was dream land so instead i thought "well its clear he still thinks hes alone, and hes not violating me or my image, ill let him go to the point of no return then reveal myself, how fun it would be to see his reaction knowing he felt that way to a relative and not some random woman. Maybe ill even traumatize him. I wonder if he'll cry."
I woke up before the end.
I hate this. I dont want to feel these gross feelings, i want to be my normal self again, i dont know why this started and i want it to go away. I think it's sexual frustration because of my divorce but why couldnt my brain not be stupid about this one thing?
I dont even know what i want to get out of this whole rant. I just hate this.
He's completely ostracized from the whole family and the next event being held for the whole extended family will probably be the last time ill ever see the guy for the rest of my life so i might as well mess with his head a little. ** it all, i hate this **.
Wow that's a whole lot of ** about absolutely nothing! You're getting all worked up about a guy you basically don't know and have never really seen, who means nothing to you, and over a stupid dream. Take a chill pill lady. Buy a wand, get yourself off, and get on with your life!
That puts things in a more grounded perspective for me, i was actually hoping for a reply, so i appreciate it ^^