Relapse

That after 2 years of sobriety from cutting, I have relapsed. Things are getting too rough, getting unbarrable. I used to cut on my wrist, about a 2 inch space where a wrist band could cover it. It got so built up with scar tissue that I had to wrap a string around my forearm to cut off cerculation for the vessels to raise, like a heroin addict. Then I quit. Well I just cut myself 13 times in the same place as before while I was drunk. I was so intoxicated by the pain and alcohol. There was so much blood and it felt wonderful. It reminded me why I picked up the habit to begin with. The only problem is, I have suicidal thoughts. I think that if I just died, I wouldn't have to see what a failure I am. I wouldn't have to see that ill be alone and unimportant for the rest of my life. I just want to give up. I've been fighting for so long I've grown tired if it. The only problem is, if I kill myself and there is a God after all, there's no chance at all ill have true happiness. It'll just be another form of **. Its a catch 22. Damned if I do, damned if I don't...

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