Cheating saved my life

I am 24 years old. I have never had a girlfriend.

The only person who ever noticed me was a girl I met just after finishing high school. I don't know if she ever loved me, but at least seemed interested.

She moved away before anything could happen between us, and became involved with another man. Their relationship grew, while I held on to memories of someone I barely knew. We only ever hung out a few times before she left, I didn't even really know her, I had to make things up about her in my head.

I loved her so much, no one had ever noticed me before (or since). One day, when I was 22 she came to visit for a few days. She was still in the same relationship. We spent those three days together, cuddling, kissing, and we had s** once. It was the first and only time I've ever been with a girl, although I stopped halfway through because I felt guilty about her cheating.

I never saw her again after that. I hated myself so much for doing what I did, but I will admit I was on the brink of suicide. All I wanted was to die, because I knew it was impossible for anyone to care about me. When she cheated on her boyfriend with me, it was the only special moment I've ever had in my life, and the only time I was ever truly happy. In the time that would follow, those few days were all I had to keep me going in life. I am confident I would not be here if she wouldn't have done that for me.

I hate myself, I hate being alone, but I am still alive, because someone decided to cheat. I don't think it meant much to her, I think she was angry with her boyfriend and wanted to hurt him, but it meant the world to me.

I wish someone out there could love me, or even just pretend to. I've managed to hold on because on that one experience, but I feel my time is again running short.

I am so very alone.

6 Comments

  • newest
  • oldest
  • most replies
  • most popular
  • Thanks for the comments. It means a lot, you have no idea.

  • I know times are hard and most of the time everyone feels alone and sad and that things won't get better. But just know that girl is out there for you, you'll find the girl who tops the experience you once had. Keep your head up she's out there! I know its odd because we don't know eachother but if you ever need someone to talk to i'm here and i am a good listener :)

  • You have to take this energy your spending feeling bad about yourself and feeling sorry and alone and turn it around. Stop thinking about the girl the way you are as it didn't work out. Things happen for reasons. This girl came into your life to show you how special you are and more importantly she LIKED YOU. Maybe she wasn't being honest with you about her availability, but she still liked you. Do you know how many other girls would like you, if you put yourself out there? Give yourself a chance. Your young and you have a lot to offer. Grab some friends go out to bars, clubs etc. Meet people! Join meetup.com, get your profile up on a dating site. You never know who you might meet.

  • One more thing...you're not alone. I'm here, and I care about you. You don't know me, but know that it matters to me that you keep your precious self alive and carry on.

    Good luck and thinking of you...

  • Don't feel bad...it meant the world to you, and that's what matters. Maybe that's even the sole reason why it happened, so it would save you? You must be a very special person, and someone somewhere wants to keep you here! I do, too.

    Don't beat yourself up about this. Focus instead on doing things you love and making yourself and others happy. I can tell from your post that you are such a caring, intelligent person, with so much to give to this world. I would be so very sad if you just cut short your life by harming yourself. I don't know you in person, but I want you to know that what you have typed has touched me deeply. Your love, your guilt, and your desire for love make you intensely human, and that is exactly what this world needs more of - humanity.

    Stay. Please stay alive. Do it for me. We'll do it together. I love someone whom I cannot have, and the pain is killing me too, but I stay alive because I tell myself I'm bigger than that pain. I'm good. I care about people, and about the world. I could put that caring to such good use, that it would be a waste if I decided to leave. So I'm staying.

    Please join me. I know how badly you're hurting inside, and I hear your despair, but please just do this one thing for me. Don't hurt yourself. Don't disappear. The world needs people like you more than you or it realises. I need a partner on my journey, too :) Take care, and remember what I said: the world needs you. Someday you'll find out exactly why, but until then, I'll be thinking of you. Hang on, for me and for yourself.

    Hugs and thoughts...

  • Hang in there. Keep looking and someone will be there for you... don't give up

Account Login
Signup
Is this post inapropriate?
Is this comment inapropriate?
Delete this post?