I don't know...
I think I love this... man?
I'm fourteen, and he's eighteen. We are schoolmates. It's been around five or six years since I've known about him (I just finished eighth grade), and he's a gentleman. You know, that old-fashioned kind, that lets girls go first, shares his umbrella when it rains, gives you his hoodie when you're cold, helps with everything he can, and is usually very smart.
When I was in sixth grade, I entered the early music group at school (I would gladly tell you the name if it wouldn't lead directly to this), in which he was, too. It's an elite musician's group, and I enjoy being there.
That's when I started noticing he was a gentleman, but I thought he wasn't my type (plus, I was a sixth grader. I wasn't really interested in boys, anyway. Just noticing the good-looking ones.), so I didn't really care.
When I finished seventh grade, the Hungarian teacher organised a trip for the best students (2010.06.03 - 2010.06.06), and I got to go, too. I was really excited, I enjoyed the places we saw and all that.
But on the fourth of June, it hit me. I couldn't stand up for about two hours after my stomach started hurting, so I laid on the floor with my best friend (with whom I shared the room), doing nothing.I spent so much time around him until then. It was creepy. My stomach hurt so bad, that I barely ate the next day, and on the day we came home, everytime we stopped at gas stations I would buy some water, and that's all. I didn't eat anything.
Now we became very good friends, and I don't know if what I feel for him is liking or love. I don't get the butterflies when I'm around him, but usually when I see someone like him (or of course, him) with the corner of my eye.
He's also organising the ball for the ninth graders, because he's a 12th grader.
Oh, and I also know his mother, father, younger brother, toddler (:-D) sister and cousins (who live in another country).
His younger brother is one of my two best friends; it upsets me that I know that he likes our other best friend, but I can't tell him who I like. I'm kind of the one that everyone trusts, but trusts nobody. Well, it's not like I don't trust him, it's just that even though he trusted me and told me he liked the person that I considered my sister, she wasn't really my sister, so she couldn't hear me if, for example, I spilled who he likes in my sleep. But he could. And what guarantee do I have that he won't feel somewhat pressured to tell him? They share the room! And, of course, he's a gentleman, just like his brother. I think it's genetic, because his cousin, who resembles the Phelphs twins quite a bit, is the same.
Long story short, I don't know if I love him or not. I don't even know if I'm capable of feeling love now...
I want to confess when he graduates, so I won't have to see him the next year (I'm expecting a rejection, anyway. I think he'll think I'm just a little kid. Which, by the way, I am, so I need big help here...), but I don't even know what I'm feeling, I only confessed twice, and the last one was before I turned ten, and I'm also afraid that it will ruin our friendship and create rumours.
I'm afraid that it will ruin our friendship because I want to be able to call or text him after he graduates without feeling embarrassed. I want to keep in touch with him somehow...