Half Hearted Reconciliation
I am not with a complete heart into reconciling with my husband. A year ago, we were on the verge of divorce. He said he was getting his life together and it seemed he was better off on his own. Then he had second thoughts and reconciled. But he was later diagnonsed with bipolar disorder which was a small explaination to his long periods of impulse and apathetic behavior.
I had been loyal and devoted to such point that when it was almost over, something in me died. I was honest to him about it. I couldn't take having my heart broken any longer. But here we are, he is getting better each day. But when he has episodes and says some things he shouldn't, I still grow farther and farther away from him. Each time he breaks the bond, the ties feel more worn and weaker when he tries to work on us again.
I just want someone kind, loyal, won't refuse affection when I need it. He knows when we were separated, I had come across someone who liked me before but I was engaged so I didn't entertain it. He found me online and said hello. It didn't go anywhere past small talk. That was the end of that, really. But the very day we were going to do paperwork, it was the first time I came across someone new. Today, I am suprised I have a small crush on him. There is the saying that it happens sometimes between friends even briefly. I had another friend that I got over that crush but it was just how he remembered things we talked about. He would make funny little references to them in later conversations. Follow up with how I was doing. I can tell both friends had little crushes on me too. It was kind of embarrassng eluding to how I was a bit fond of them. My one friend, it just grew into platonic affection, no more. So I suppose this will too. But in my head, I have simple day dreams. Nothing crazy. Just someone to spend time with me. Just to feel wanted. I want my spouse to be sweeter, more kind, thoughtful, and respect my feelings when I am upset or angry, that I need to express it and work it out but trust that I will never do it to harm or in malice.
Since my spouse's last bp episode, he has been resentful of the world, depressed. All the nature of the beast I suppose. But the one thing I asked was that he fight through it and remember a simple little thing...to remember to hold me. A small request that would mean the world. Because it hasn't happened, in fact he said no and that he couldn't no matter how much I asked him...here I am...looking and longing for something he won't give. And I feel incredibly stupid about it all. Very. Because when he is well, he is all those things. All of those things I need. He listens, reciprocates, is thoughtful. But the bp episodes have me in a corner with how horrible it gets. How much...it all just hurts so bad.