I wish we could have hugged.
I got the news that Mark died in a car crash. I called you once. I did not know exactly what to say. I called you twice. I remembered that you were going to give Mark advice because he was just a little blind to himself and needed to see. You never did tell Mark, and I started to cry, and called you that third time and you picked up. I said through choking tears "I have some news."
It was hard for you to understand me as I read the article of the car wreck to you. You said you were going to bed and asked if I would like if you came in the morning to see me after you ate your breakfast.
I don't know what to tell you. I don't know how you feel. Why don't you want to be with me right now? This isn't about me! This is about Mark! I was crying because Mark is dead! I was crying because he isn't alive anymore! And I don't even know if I ever thought of him growing old. Now he won't.
I don't want this to be about me. I wanted us to be together because we knew him together. He is one of the few people we knew together. Now you will come over and ask me what I think and how I feel and tell me you feel so sad for me, and I do not want to talk about me! I want to mourn for Mark!!
You didn't come to be together or to mourn for Mark, you went to bed thinking about breakfast.
I guess you may be feeling things, or are numb to this (as happens in tragedy), and that is just how you feel and everyone feels the way they feel, and those assumptions are cruel, but I wish we could have hugged. I wish we could have hugged. I wish we could have hugged.
Now I don't have anything to tell you and I have a feeling you will have nothing to say to me and that's fine, because I actually do not want to talk about it. And in all my shock and grief, other people are finding comfort in religion but I find no comfort there. I just wanted to cry but no one wants anyone to cry. And while I was crying my brothers were awkward and telling each other to comfort me, because they didn't know how to or want to, I don't know, and it just felt like they were saying "stop crying". But that's all I can do. I can cry or I can do nothing.
Other people want a memorial services, and I do too, I need it, but they keep talking about Mark smiling down from heaven and grinning and laughing and I feel sick. I just want to cry and I thought I wanted to hug but hugging (the one hug I have had) felt still. It didn't embrace me at all and instead just made me stop crying and feel like I could not even be in my room. My brothers asked if I needed comfort, so I went to them, and they hid. So instead of allowing me to fully cry I instead stopped crying and left the safety of my room to go out into the woods. Now I feel like being alone is the only way to grieve because no one will grieve with me. Others are grieving in ways that, for me, would be stifling. I don't want to nod appreciatively and say under my breath "A better place."
I want to cry and cry and cry. But after only ten or so minutes total, I have stopped crying and just feel deserted. I don't want to feel upset at you, but I feel like I am. I feel like my telling you the news of Mark's death was for my own sake, but I thought it was for yours! I thought it was news for you! But I was crying. If you had answered the first time, I wouldn't have been, but by the third time I was and you said "I'm sorry." I don't want you to comfort over me! I want you to grieve with me! I want us to feel this together! But I feel like if we were together for this, it would be the opposite, and I don't want the pressure of being WATCHED. I just wanted us to hug.