My bad life

I'm only thirteen and I've led a horrible life. When I was nine or so and my little sister was about three, I had her in my lap. I was playing with her, you know making her laugh and all the stuff you do with babies. Then I started bouncing her on my lap and she sort of hit me on my v***** in a way that felt good. So i did it again. It didnt hurt her, she had no idea. In fact she laughing and everything. That still doesn't change the fact that it was a horrible thing to do.

And when I was like eleven, i was at my cousin's sleepover with two other cousin's. We played truth or dare and i got dared to give one cousin a lap dance which i cant remember if i did. What i do remember is, after the game was over, me and said cousin went to another room and gave each other lap dances. Our two other cousins found us the first time. Through the week-long period of the sleepover, we continued to give lap dances to each other. We even did one when we were naked, but there were towels seperating us. Long after the sleepover, I found out that my cousin was about two years younger than me, but she never told me. I felt horrible for corrupting her like that.

Once i was invited to a birthday party which took place at Build A Bear Workshop. I got my bear, but soon after I started using it for mastrubation purposes. I would rub it on v***** until I came. Worst part is, sometimes my little sister would beg to sleep with the bear and i would have to let her.

When i was in the fourth grade, my paremts got me a touchscreen phone that came with a stylus, you know, that pen thing you use to navigate the phone. Well, one when i was bored, i got the stylus amd stuck it up my v***** to see what it felt like. Sometimes i worry if i left it there.

I used to watch lesbian p*** and mastrubate to it. Then i would go to school the next day and talk about how horrible gays are. I'm such a horrible hypocrit.

I would also mastrubate to the face of my celebrity obsessions. People like Edward Cullen, Jared Leto, guys who I thought were hot.

My offence of late is that i cut my self, though not the right way? I dunno, it started when i was angry at my mom for something so i found this piece of plastic in my room and just went over my wrist with it. I never broke skin, but afterwards i would get red lines that eventualy left scars. These scars have somehow faded. I thought that i didnt need to do it again, but i did. This time i took out one of the litttle square parts from a belt amd used the hook part to cut myself. This time, it drew blood, though not alot. The scar looks like an X and it's right over a huge vein in my wrist. When i feel suicidal, i look at it amd say X marks the spot where the dagger goes in. I also cut myself on the legs because my parents forced me to go to the gym. I'll exercise, but i dont want to do it in front of people. Maybe i'm insecure about my body...

I also want to say that i am a frequent bed wetter. It's died down a bit now but it used to be an everyday thing. I would go to sleep with just a bra and underwear on so that i didnt soil my clothes. I once went to a friend's sleepover and peed on her bed. She didnt find out, i dont think and when my mom came to pick me up, she asked if i had peed on their bed. I lied and said no.

I used to have dreams about killing my parents, or maybe, i dreamed about dreaming that. Sometimes i cant tell fantasies from realities, they're all so horrible.

Well thats all, i think. Thanks for reading this. I just hope God has mercy on my soul.


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  • Okay all the "sexual" stuff you described is actually really normal. This is pretty much wha most kids do out of curiosity and it isnt even actually fully sexual its just like an interest in something. There is nothing wrong with you masturbating or watching p*** (although you might wanna avoid watching the p*** since its not good to see it a lot). As for the cutting i wish you would please stop before it gets out of control, i have a lot of freinds that cut and its not a good thing to get into and its addictive. The wetting the bed thing either is from a weak muscle so try just holding it in longer and longer slowly over time and it might build up more control with you but if things are pretty bad maybe talk to a doctor about it? Yet its very possible its psychological. Is there something else going on in your life that may be making you feel this way? First thing you should do is forgive yourself for those strip dancing and masturbating and all that stuff you did since its so common im sure most guys and girls have done something like that before. Did you ever get raped or molested when you were litle or something? I hope you get better *hugs* :)

  • I'm so sorry. It's okay though, I love you.

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