I generally need help knowing if this is my fault.

So, when I was younger, I was in school and there was this one girl. I wont write her real name, so lets call her, Ellie. So Ellie, was one of those friends that were like, well, they made fun of you and were rude to you for example. She always was mean to me. She would judge me for not eating fast enough, or judge me or ANYTHING AT ALL, and she was weird. She made me believe weird things.
Example, she would tell me random ass stories about people having s**, and I at the time, thought it was normal. (This was in grade 5). She used to make me believe that everything she did or told me to do, was normal. Especially for my age. She told me that tampons were used to shove up your p**** to make you feel good when you walk. I believed that. She even dared me to show her my v***** in the bathroom one time. I was scared, but she told me to do it. I thought that if I didn't, she would do the ‘or else I will..’ type of thing. She had done that before, and many of people in the past before that did to me, too. H***, she even threatened to punch me in the face because I didnt want to do something.

Anyways, what I wanna know is, well, if what I am about to say is MY fault?
It was my 10th or something, birthday. And she stayed over. (Or maybe she just stayed over for a random sleepover, idk if it was anything special). And she at the start, was uhh, weird, not saying she was ever not, before then. She told me to sit next to her and rub my p****. (We were not naked). I did so, and I pretended it felt good, but it really f****** didnt. Skip to afew hours later because I dont remember much else she did besides tell me more s** stories. It was nighttime, and we were watching a movie in the backroom. Then, I cant fully remember what happened for SOME parts of this, but she said she wanted me to lick her v***** or something? So, at first I was scared, but wanna know a fun fact? She made me do it before, peer pressured me to do it at her house. She kept telling me over and over, I was scared but I HAD to do it. I was way too scared of telling an adult because I didnt have much friends (I didnt want her leaving me), and I knew she would do nasty s*** like tell people a lie.

So I did. Ended up vomiting on her because it was disgusting, she kept saying to do more, and after, she was a little mad. She then said to just do ‘touching’. Silly old me, did so. We were laying and watching the movie, and I was forced to do it. I know what she would have done if I didnt. She would have been mad. I was forced to touch her v***** and it felt, weird. She told me to moan, and she did tell me that, before this, like when she first came over to my house earlier in the day and we were rubbing our v*****. She said that even if it didnt feel good, to still do it. I kinda did, but it was awkward.

After all of that, the next day because I am bad at explaining, and not much really happened after, I was ofc really quiet about it. I mean, of course I was quiet, what happened was something I was scared of ever happening again, I wanted her to leave because I didnt like it. I didnt tell anyone, and only have ever told one person. When she left, and I was at school, all of my friends were for some reason, really distant. I only had afew, as I said, I never was a popular person, and I am still not. Unlike Ellie, thinking she was the most popular in the school lol. I knew that she was bullshitting, but I didnt want to loose her as a friend. ANYWAYS as I was saying, my friends were not talking to me. But me, I was always scared of coming up to someone and asking them, face to face, why they were acting weird. I am still the type of person, that is too scared to do that. Anxiety or, overthinking I guess? But what I did do, was give them random things they liked. H***, I even gave one of them my chocolate bar, and their favourite chips with a card asking if they were mad. Thats how ScArEd I was for coming up to them face to face lmao. I am a p****. But I never came up to them and talked to them. And they never talked to me.

I am still the type of person but, I was the type of person who hated when people were mad at me, I would always beat myself up for it. Nowadays, I more get p***** off, but I never EVER have been p***** off at a friend and told them. I would always be the type that always kept my emotions if its me being p***** off at someone, to myself.

Anyways enough about my ass, I knew something was up with my friends.
They were not talking to me, and Ellie definitely had something to do with it. I know now, that what she did was tell them lies about what happened. She made it think that I SA’ed her or something.

And thats the thing I want to know, was it my fault and did I actually sa her?
Am I the bad guy, for not knowing that she was a mean person to me??
I generally wanna know.

24 days

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  • Hear your pain. In junior high, I did not have many friends. Did not understand why. One day the popular girl sat beside me. Wow. I was so happy. She invited me to sit with her at lunch. Over a few days i was in her group and i avoided my old friends. Then She put her hand on my knee under the desk. Then she ran her hand up my leg. I froze. I did nothing. The next day I wore pants. We wore a uniform and the girls had pants and skirt options. That day No one spoke to me. My old fiends did not want me and the new group had been told. The queen bee came to me and said to wear the skirt so the next day I did. Suddenly I was back in with friends. But the cost was she would feel me up. Then I was in the group but forever her slave.

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