Who's the victim?

Because this is sort of a confession, I will start with the right foot and say the truth. I think I am the object (or victim) of some kind of mind game (PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE), that has been happening since I broke up with my first boyfriend, the first man I loved, but had to break up with for very good reasons he'll never understand.
I don't think many of the details of my story matter... I'm only worried of one big detail: how he handled the breakup.
He took it very personal because of my breakup date of choice: his birthday.
I don't even know if he knows why I chose to break up with him that exact day... I hope he looks back and sees how I felt that day, after he got crazy drunk and confessed to his friends intimate details of us, and that I gave him "birthday s**".
I am and have always been very religious and conservative, but still I was always very tolerant of his lack of shame, and also he had no concept of privacy and let his friends (who by the way didn't like me) intervene in the relationship.
I took this as a sign that he was not able to be serious and also thought he proved himself immature and incapable of real intimacy (and this is a concept that has nothing to do with s**, just means RESPECT FOR THE PARTNER).
To me this was a big issue because I had him way up in a pedestal, I thought he was funny, smart and independent (everything I wanted in a guy), but that day I started to think of him as a drunk fraternity member, wanting to prove to everyone he gets laid. Even the birthday party had a s** theme, which was b****, and I really didn't get how that was funny.
I lost my patience and my ability to tolerate that lack of respect towards myself. I really felt like the white elephant in the room, uninvited, like the stranger in the party... A friend of a friend, of a friend. An echoing whisper... A failing echo...
I am an honest person, and at times, naive and oblivious of the things that happen. But that day, suddenly everything became clear... I was not part of that group, and the group probably thought the same.
I knew what I had to do... I told him over the phone how I felt, and he gave me two choices: to break up with him right now and there, or to sleep on it, and break up with him the next day (his actual birth date!!!).
I thought that was kinda sleazy, making both choices a bad choice (and hard to make!); the choosing of the lesser evil.
I had three seconds to make that vital decision. I took the first choice, which was to break up right now and there. He didn't really expect that, at all! He thought I would probably hold up the break up, or that I would change my mind.
When he noticed I had made up my mind, he started crying and asking me: "how can you break up with a guy on his birthday?", giving me a hard time and a lesson in guilt/manipulation I WILL NEVER FORGET. That was two hours before midnight, before his actual birth-day.
After that, he spoke to my mom, still crying, and she told him how I felt about not fitting in with his friends. He told her: "I have to choose my friends. THEY WERE MY FAMILY AND THEY WERE THERE FIRST."
I wasn't really surprised, nor angry. My mom gave me the phone, and told me to say goodbye to him, that the relationship was NOT going to work. It was painful, because I actually listen to my parents and think they want what's best for me. So, I did exactly as she told me, knowing this wasn't a "see you later", but a "goodbye".
I told him how I didn't want us to part ways in a bad way, how much he had meant to me, and how important he is and always will be in my life. I thanked him for the good times, and asked him to forgive the bad times. I wished him happiness and told him the break-up was for the best.
He was surprised, he thought I was going to be p*****, but I wasn't. I guess that made him think. I was just trying to thank him, and let him know he had done no harm... Things just happen like that sometimes, and for a good reason.
I had accepted this was our fate, and did not try to fight it.
After some time, he'd call me to see how I was doing, and I even casually encountered him at random places, and say hi to him, like a friend would.
I didn't know he still had feelings for me, I thought he wanted to be my friend (again, I'm sooo naive!!!). He would then call me to meet in places, places in which we used to hang out, and were familiar to us both, even before the relationship. I didn't suspect him or his intentions.
As a child, I was rejected a lot. I didn't have many friends... I skipped ahead two entire school years after my mom made me take an IQ test. They wanted me to start school when I was 3 years old.
I've always felt out of place and misunderstood, and that's why I feel awkward most times, and kind of surprised when I make friends that are not "exactly like me".
I always thought, or perceived, this particular ex-boyfriend of mine wasn't interested in my personality, or my mind. His compliments to me were: "You're so beautiful, you'd make a great trophy wife!", "We can't have too much s**, I'll feel like I'm using you...". Well, little did he know that he took me for granted in all the time we spent together... He didn't get to know me, and didn't really bothered to, so why would he want to be "friends" if he never saw me as one?
This really puzzled me, but it didn't really bothered me or strike me as wrong and, therefore, I agreed to be his friend.
He was nice to me at first... We kept in touch and even met when he had important things to share. He even came to my house frequently to talk, but I noticed some things... He would remember and talk about our intimate moments together, and I thought that was innocent (and funny) until he said: "OMG! I have a chubby." He would look at me in a sexual, and not a buddy-buddy, friendly way.
That's when I stopped calling him, he would call me, though. He didn't really get the underlying "I feel uncomfortable, I don't feel the same way, I'm committing to the break-up" message I was trying to send.
We agreed to meet once more, and this time, he was really direct with his body language, sending the "I want you" message, even throwing his arm around me and getting physically close to me in a public, familiar place, you know (guys), marking his territory. He even showed me photos and profiles of the girls he was interested in.
When I say familiar, I mean I know people (friends) that were watching how I was refusing his advances, and him being humiliated. He even resorted to a phony apology, and admitted how his friends manipulated the situation and had control over the relationship and even its outcome.
I think he got mad at me, but he didn't give up. We kept calling me, and inviting me places that I refused to go to. He even went through a phase, where I think he actually admitted he had to work on himself (maybe to get me back? IDK). He even invited me to take part of his graduation, so I'd witness what he had accomplished.
The thing is, he invited another ex-girlfriend that was all over him. I felt really uncomfortable, but still wanted to give him emotional support, like a friend would. I stayed there long enough to be ignored by him, to be given dirty looks by his first ex-girlfriend and to get totally bored. I even started to look at guys I thought were cute. I asked myself during my time of boredom: why did he invite us both? I still don't know the answer to that one.
After that, I grew indifferent towards him. And I had moved on, after all... When he invited me to his graduation, I was already going out with this other guy, a very nice guy... The weird thing is: I didn't tell him about my new guy, but somehow, he knew. He would call me when I was with him, or about to see him. For a time, I thought his good timing was just coincidence... (But then again, I kinda don't believe in coincidence.)
He would call me all the time, send me text messages, like a friend would. But something was different this time... He used sarcasm a lot, was hostile, and when I needed advice about dating (the new guy), he gave me the worst advice a friend could give... He said: "leave the guy, you're better off alone." My new guy wasn't even that bad! :|
After that, my sixth sense told me not to trust him, something told me he was trying to sabotage me. After talking to him again, I definitely had a premonition about our friendship: it wasn't going to last.
He called me like months later, and said he wanted to celebrate his graduation from his "psychology major". We met at the movies, and there he was: sans friends, sans company and alone, with me. A movie theater is not a public place... It's meant to be dark and silent, and therefore a place prone to intimacy. Still, I thought it was innocent, so, I watch the movie with him, but then he started to flirt! And he even threw his arm over my shoulder, giving me the "go" sign, which I ignored because his intentions weren't clear.
I had the feeling something was wrong... He noticed me worried and nervous, but I said I was ok. He still followed me to my house to make sure I got home safe (he used to do that when we dated).
I could not shake that strange feeling he was trying to play me...
The next morning I called him to thank him for inviting me to the movies. As I said before, I never called him, so he took it as a sign that I was interested, even though I was trying to be polite (I always am!)
Oh, my... Little did I know or suspected what all that was for... He was expecting my call, and after I gave him thanks (for what I mistook as chivalry), he delivered this news in a deadly serious tone: "I'm going out with somebody. I'm sorry."
Hmmm... That was sort of interesting, because I kinda knew his intentions were bad, but I didn't really know what he really wanted was revenge.
I said to him: "I feel what you did is wrong. You don't invite someone (from the opposite s**) to the movies if you have a girlfriend. You have to pay some respect to her."
He said he didn't even told her before we went to see the movie, he told her before I called him! He "confessed to her" a day after!?
That's when I got angry, not because he deceived me, but because I felt bad for the girl. I felt wrong, even though I didn't do anything wrong. I hung up on him, and send him a text message, saying I didn't want to be his friend anymore.
It's funny what I heard he was saying. He started to say I didn't want to be his friend because I was jealous of his new girl... He showed everybody the message and shared his version of the truth. His sole objective was to made it look like I was the one that wanted him back.
Then, my facebook got hacked... I had people on my friend's list I didn't add (ever), it appeared to be song dedications to my ex, songs about wanting him back, that I haven't even listened to (ever). I even blocked my ex from my messenger, and deleted him from my contact list, and still, he managed to "talk to me" via messenger. How? I really don't know.
Then I started to meet new guys and new people... And really strange things started to happen... It appeared one of my new friends send me a facebook friend request. This friend had told me privately he would never EVER join facebook, and there he was, sending me a friend request.
I thought: what a sellout! and started making fun of him, but something was definitely wrong...
This profile had no profile picture, had another name that was not his real name, and apparently, this person that claimed to be my friend didn't even remember he said he would NEVER EVER JOIN FACEBOOK. I even tested him to see if he was my real friend, but he was off, way off. I knew the guy. He was a real nerdy type nice of guy, and this fake profile was that of a perverted, stupid guy. He had really hot, slutty girls as friends, and all his facebook activity consisted of commenting how hot their profile pics were. The thing is, my friend was nothing like that.
Whoever created that fake profile, wanted me to thing my friend was a pervert.
I got scared, because of the facebook hacking thing...
I even received death threats! This hacker was angry, and his thing was personal.
They even created a fake profile impersonating me, with a profile pic of my new guy and I, a guy I had recently started to date. The only thing is it was called "The Real Me" and this profile pic was taken from my new friend's photo album. "The Real Me" sent a series of messages to my friend, telling him really bad things, like: She's cheating on you, You are the other guy, She doesn't love you, she's using you... A series of very disturbing things that my new friend kept secret at first, but later showed me. He said he had enough and wanted to ask me some questions. One of the questions was: who might this be?, followed by: what did you do to this person?, he hates you! I have to admit, that was creepy and scary tactics. It was a whole new level of Psychological Warfare.
I suddenly realized this "hacker" wanted me to be alone, wanted me isolated and was trying to scar me psychologically so I could no longer have a normal relationship, with no one. I have to admit it wounded my ability to trust and created serious trust issues. This got really serious to the point that I got scared of going out.
But whoever is doing this f***** up s*** has to know something important: I don't hate you, I never did. I forgave you a long time ago, even though I know you planned worst things for me. Everybody likes you, that's a fact, but nobody knows you. Nobody knows your twisted mind like I do, and you're still not satisfied because I never fell for your "art of war" tactics. I know you so well, I find you predictable, and I don't see you like an enemy, not even as a threat. You had to resort to lies and deceit to get your peace of mind, your so-called vengeance. But guess what? The fact that you still want to terrorize me and f*** with my mind only proves one thing. You know what that is, even though you got married to prove otherwise.
I know she loves you, she's cute, and a very nice girl, so I ask you one thing: DON'T F*** THINGS UP WITH HER, DON'T HURT HER LIKE YOU HURT ME. SHE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO FORGIVE THE HORRIBLE THINGS I FORGAVE. TREAT HER WELL AND GIVE HER HAPPINESS, HOPE FOR HER NOT TO KNOW YOUR BAD SIDE.
YOU ARE YOUR WORST ENEMY, THE REST OF THE PEOPLE YOU CALL ENEMIES ARE JUST FRIENDS THAT GAVE UP ON YOU, LIKE I DID.
YOU'VE ALWAYS KNOWN DEEP IN YOUR HEART I MEANT IT WHEN I SAID I WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU, AND YOUR HAPPINESS. IF YOU RATHER NOT BELIEVE THIS IS TRUE, THEN I SAY: GOOD LUCK WITH THAT AND CONGRATULATIONS. YOU ARE THE KIND OF PERSON THAT NEEDS TO JUSTIFY HIS/HER HATE, JUST A REGULAR CRUSADER OF A LOST CAUSE THAT HAS LOST HIMSELF ALONG THE WAY.

3 Comments

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  • too long, did not read

  • Thanks, Anonymous. It's harder than you think, (forgiving someone that wants to hurt you), believe me. He comes from a wealthy family, and I guess it's hard to resist (for him) to not resort to other means (professionals) to dig out the dirt about me and why I decided to leave him (and believe me, he has the means to do anything he wants...) I guess he tried too hard to figure me out... to want to control the situation (in his favor).

  • Wow... Tha's a fascinating post? I have not crossed a post that is written by a more mature thinking person. I commend you for being so mature and got your thinking process so together. Parents must be really proud!!!!!!!!!!

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