No one listens, but please hear this
I've come to the realization that I hate all of my friends. Every. Last. One. I hate all of you. You are all so self-centered and disillusioned that you border on mental disorders.
What do you want me to say? H***, what do I have to say, that will make you listen. No, listen. Really listen. Not pretend to care, but really listen to what I have to say, to what is going on in my life.
I'm breaking down, falling apart. Everything is so fucken pointless. I wish, sometimes, that I didn't know anyone so that I could kill myself with a clear mind, knowing no one would miss me. I envy those people who can end their lives, bodies unidentified, buried in some unmarked grave. I wish that was me. I hate "living". The whole entire act of it. I hate it all.
But as am I swallowed in this thoughts, I realize that I hate you all. My mother is dying. She's dying, Goddamnit! What more do you want from me?! What more of an explanation do I need? You envy my realtionship. They are the only thing I have, who I only get to see once a week if I'm lucky. You envy my success, even though you've never reached for anything and you envy my ambitions even though you've never strived for a damn thing.
You're all so selfish, so fucken selfish. What monsters can listen to me confess that my mother is dying and continue on about themselves? Because you don't "listen", you only "hear". And you are a monster. You are ugly. I know it's true.
And what about me? What's personally going on with me? I'm bisexual. No, I won't tell you. Any of you. I refuse. No, I refuse to be a victim. I refuse to be discriminated against and be thought less of because of my sexuality.
You think you know me. You self-label yourself a "close friend of mine" even my "best friend"? What a fucken joke. All of you.
Do you know that I was molested? That I was exposed to p***? That I have suffered an addiction to porngraphy, so long that I can't remember one day in my g****** life when I didn't look at it? Do you know that I was poor? That I was bullied and spit on and teased and pushed and hit? Do you know that I cut myself everyday when I was a child? Do you know about that day, that horrible, wonderful day when I tried to take my own life? Do you know how alone, suffocated, tired, frustrated, and scared I really am?
NO! You could never even imagine what a life I have lived. And I know, in my heart, that if you knew, if I told you, that you really wouldn't give a damn. Because your life is perfect and that's all that matters to you.
You don't know about how my parents abused me. How my mom used to hit me or how I watched my father hurt my mom. Watch him break things, hurt the dogs, or never had a relationship with me. Or get drunk. Or just not come back. You never heard the things my mom said. You never saw how crazy she was. You never had your parents never tell you that they loved you, lived a life where gifts were suppose to symbolize love, and where you can count the number of times your parents said, "I'm proud of you" on your hands. Remember that day you asked me, "Do you ever feel like your life was too normal to be a writer?". You really have no clue.
If only you knew. If only you knew.
People judge me. I'm mean. I'm over-sensitive. I'm awkward and weird and strange and moody and angry and whatever else you called me. But God, if you could just spend one day in my shoes, just one day...
Here's what I want, just one thing. I want one person, just one person out of this whole entire world, to listen. Really listen. I want them to look me in the eyes and say, "I understand. I care. I'm here," and mean it. I want you to *hear* what I have to say. I'm crying out for help. I've been crying my whole life. Help me. God, please, someone just help me.