What goes around comes around, heartbrake.
Before I start, I'm sorry for how long this may be.
Nearly a year ago, I met this boy online. And for anyone who has met a person online, and gained a relationship from it, you know how emotionally connected you get.
We fell for each other very quickly, and all was fine for about 4 months. I loved him intently.
But never once, all throughout the 6 months we were together, let me all the way in, he always held back. But I put that down to the distance between us, we lived around 6 hours away from each other. He was also very good at hiding things, but I always knew when something was wrong, I know him like the back of my hand.
5th of January 2011 was when he ended it. Just by a simple email, at 21:17 at night, he hadn't spoken to me all day.
Have you ever felt that feeling in your heart, where it just feels like its dissolved away, broken into tiny bits and were just floating around in your body and mind, making you numb to the outside world. I'm shaking now writing this, its reminding me of the feeling.
I needed closure, and he wouldn't give me it, he refused to speak to me for about two weeks. He is very stubborn.
I can barely remember what I did in that two weeks, I floated around just about there, I couldn't remember smiling or even thinking. And then came the closure text, he explained that he couldn't do this because of the distance, he didn't want a relationship. The normal stuff.
I still texted him every morning, like our routine, just begging, trying to get him back. He snapped one morning, just telling me to stop it. That was probably the second time in 3 weeks I had heard from him.
I guess I had no choice to get over it, I know for a fact that I am emotionally damaged now, it takes me a lot of a hard emotion to make me feel something.
But as of right now, I am completely over him, no doubt in my mind. It has been nearly 9 months.
I guess it was March time that we started speaking again, he started speaking to me, just seeing how I was, because he knew I was struggling still.
When we started getting close again I was still recovering from him leaving me. I spent the early hours of my 19th birthday on the Xbox with him.
And then he got a girlfriend, and that didn't hurt much, because as of April time, I was about 90% over him. She was screwed really, she had depression. I was just there for him, everyone has that person that they turn to when they need to rant something, or get something of their chest, and I am that person for him. Throughout the 6 months they were together, I was always there reassuring him about her, and I didn't even know her.
He is my best friend now, completely. Some people don't understand that. (especially my boyfriend, but that's another story) We know each other better than we do ourselves sometimes, and we will always have that emotional connection between us, even if it isn't romantic love, just best friend caring love. We have helped each other through so much.
It's strange that I know him more now than I did when we were together, he lets me in, he knows I wouldn't hurt him. He doesn't even understand why I came back to him after what he did, I've said to him multiple times that I will always be here for you, you know I'm a loyal friend, and I want you to be happy, and I will make you happy if you aren't.
We are typical close friends, we have our private jokes, we can make each other laugh by saying one thing, we have long phone calls, we speak often, we banter and we even speak openly about what happened between us.
2 nights ago now she left him, and I knew something was wrong the second I spoke to him. I gave him time to tell me because I knew he would, and it must have been something big because he would have told me straight away if it wasn't.
She left him, that morning, and I felt bad that I had been at work all day so I wasn't there to comfort him when it happened.
Its strange to see the roles reversed. The first night, we were on the phone for about 2 hours, just talking, I was trying to get him to laugh and not think about her. He was laughing after I started humming songs for him to guess, which included Disney songs.
And then he started speaking about it, I let him rant, I knew it felt good for him, I was just telling him what he wanted to hear.
Last night was a longer call, nearly 3 hours, that was an intense last hour, we spoke about everything. I can remember him saying this, which made me almost cry.
"From the way I feel right now, from her leaving me, and... if you felt this bad, this pain, from me... leaving you... I just, I'm just so sorry"
He never really speaks about his end, from what happened between us. He has only once before fully said sorry, like properly, that was about 3 months ago.
We then compared things, because he met his ex-girlfriend, he knew her for about 6 years, and she has actually done this before, twice. The last time was about 6 months before he met me. He is done, this is the last time for him, and I keep reminding him, he deserves more than her walking over him like that.
I just told him things that I was always scared to say.
"I know that you and her met in person and all that, and we never did, so I can't compare and help with you missing her physically, because we never did, its just we had a very deep emotional connection, because all we did was bond through speaking, never speaking so thats why it hurt me so much, because you knew parts of me I didn't even know myself"
He knew what I meant, and understood.
I don't know why I felt the need to 'confess' this, but I just needed to write it all down and get it of my chest.
Thats the only thing I'm grateful for, for meeting him, I have gained such a wonderful friend, no matter what he made me feel before, we are best friends who one broke the others heart, and the one who is mending the others broken heart.
Karma's a b**** though.
Thanks for reading, if you got this far down.