I am an idiot, to say the least.
I ruined not only my life, but the life of the man I love. I wanted to write it down, have it somewhere where I could see it. I don’t want any sympathy, I’ve written this simply because I needed to let it out. It needed to be said, it as eating me up inside, keeping me awake at night, ruling my thoughts. I just needed it to be out, in the open, somewhere.
What did I do? I lied, not just to the man I love, but to others about him.
For simplicities sake, I shall call him Riley. Now, Riley was not only the man I had fallen in love with, the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but also my best friend. A short time ago I had major surgery to correct a birth defect. He took care of me after it, took time off work to be at the hospital. I couldn’t work for some time, but I didn’t claim the benefits I was entitled to for months. Why? Honestly, I don’t know why. For whatever reason I simply left the form alone, I started filling them in, but never finished. I am a scatter brain at the best of times. There was a part of me that didn’t want to claim them, because that was admitting there was something wrong with me, that I had a problem. And that scared me. It made me feel alone and useless. In the end though, that’s exactly what I am. Alone, and useless. I was selfish, Riley and I moved into our own house (rented, mind you), a few months after my op. Did I help with bills? No. Why? because I still didn’t claim any benefits. Because I was selfish. I left the rent, the utilities, the food all up to him. I wasn’t fair on him, we constantly borrowed money off them.
Naturally, the situation was a strain on not just Riley, but our relationship. Did I help? Well, I finally put my benefits through. Then I left. I up and left, during the week a friend of mine was staying with us - she’d come over form Texas. Why did I leave? I thought it for the best, the best way to explain it would be to say that I thought if I left him he wouldn’t be as stressed, that if I weren’t around things would be easier for him. An that I could sort my life out, get back to work, get my finances sorted - Riley had paid for everything MY car insurance, MY phone bill for 8 months or so by this point.
During the time I was away from him I felt so alone, more than ever. It was only a week, but in that week I did something terrible, just awful. I began speaking to another man. I had told Riley I would come back once things were sorted. I never told the other man this - we shall call him Evan. Now, Evan is a waste of oxygen. Nothing more, nothing less. There is nothing I like about him, no redeeming quality to him. But I felt alone, lost and alone. And then, as if by some dark magic, there he was. We’d never much spoken before, and then once word spread about Riley and I, he popped up. A little (1) on my inbox. A repugnant man old enough to be my father, and a manipulative man now I look back on it. I was fragile, physically and mentally. And he knew it, he took advantage of that. But I let him. I said things I never should have to him. Terrible things, told him I would meet him. Lord knows I never would have, but at the time, he was offering the attention I craved. And I think he knew that, I think he knew that I wanted attention, that I felt alone and lost. He preyed upon that fact. He is a predator, he saw I was weak and he pounced. However, even after I went back to Riley I continued talking to Evan. Riley would leave for work and I would fall into my usual routine, laptop in front of the tv. I fell into selfish mode so quickly and easily.
You see, I had two lives, there was Riley and I. And then The laptop and I. On the laptop I could be who I wanted to be. The funny thing is, I had everything I wanted from life. It was the life on the laptop that was less fulfilling, but I was so used to it.
Of course, soon enough Riley found the messages between Evan and I. He knew for weeks but never told me, he instead looked a the messages kept a track on what was said. Wrong of him to do, yes. But I can’t look down on him for that, I started this, I caused this. When he told me he knew I felt sick, physically sick. Because I never had intentions of doing anything with Evan. Not that you’d know that from the messages. I made out I was a hard done by house wife, I wasn’t. I was a kept woman, I cooked yes. but that was just about it. I made out I hated being there, that Riley was awful. I made out that I would sleep with Evan. All of it was lies.
I didn’t stop speaking to him right away, not until the next morning, when I severed all contact with not just Evan, but anyone else who knew him. And then I started doing the things I should of been all along. I started applying for jobs, I would cook and clean. I would do all the things I should of been doing for so long. Then, one night, Riley said he wanted to leave me. I fell apart. I don’t know how, but I convinced him to stay with me. I then went into house wife overdrive. I baked, I made cakes and bread. I cooked his favourite foods. I did my best to take care of him and make him smile( like I always should of done).
I thought things were getting better, I thought we were working past it. So when I was offered a job I was over the moon. It was the day I’d been waiting for, the day our lives truly started. The day we were both working, and there were two wages coming in. Enough that we’d live comfortably from then on and be able to take holidays, see the world, see our friends.
Riley left me the day before I started work. I came home from work that day to see a van on our drive, emptying his belonging. I sat in my parents living room (they live next door), watching as he left. I had never felt lower, never wanted it all to end more. I’ve always suffered with depression, but I’d always just fought it, done my best to cope with life and get on with it. These days I can’t. These days its a constant battle not to do something stupid. When I was 14 I used to self harm, you’d never know to look at me, because my scars healed so well. Now I have to fight not to ‘slip’ when I’m cutting vegetables, not to ‘trip’ when I’m on the stairs. I caught myself staring at a bottle of pills not long ago, we have enough medication to take down at least 5 grown men in this house. I am fighting so hard to keep my life as it is, as f***** as it is, I don’t want to ruin any more peoples. I’ve been selfish enough. I’ve always managed before, this time though, its a real struggle to fight the urges.
Riley and I have met a few times since we broke up, and each time is harder than the last. All I want to do is cuddle him, give him a kiss. and we do cuddle and kiss, things feel new, nothing matters in those moments, but they never last soon enough he has to go and so do I. And then I am left feeling more alone than ever.
Its been a month since he left. And I feel no better, if anything I feel worse. I go out with friends, and smile. I dance and drink. I work hard, I sit with my family. But behind that all, I am broken. I’m damaged goods. I always used to hate the idea of marriage. I never told Riley, but I would of married him in a heart beat, without a second thought. I wanted to grow old with him, to sit out on a wooden porch in a rocking chair reminiscing about how young we’d once been. I wanted to sleep beside him every night for the rest of my life.
Now I sleep alone, now I contemplate the life I have ruined. His life. He didn’t deserve it, maybe I do, but he doesn’t.
I only hope we can fix things, that I can fix things. I wont hold my breath though, not after all I’ve done. Right now, I feel like nothing more than a parasite, but I intend to change that. Put right all the wrongs.