I had ** with my husbands best friend

I’m 32 years old and have been with my husband since 2012. He has cheated on me numerous times over the past decade while I was the epitome of loyalty. Id catch him and he’d say sorry. We share 3 kids, mortgages, businesses and of course many bills. For the longest he would neglect me, verbally abuse me and I felt I always walked on eggshells. It has even gotten violent. Obviously, what I just said is never good; but I love him. Crazy to say.
About a year ago, there was a moment where I had met up with his best friend of 10 years. I’ve known him just as long.. he’s been among the first to hold my children in then hospital. I’ve fed him multiple times, he’s slept in my house, been to all the parties (birthdays etc). We always got along really well, joked well. I’ve always found him attractive. I, nor he, never tried anything prior to this moment. He always thought my marriage was perfect, and I always thought my husband was sharing with his best friend our reality - but my husband withheld this negativity of our marriage.
Back to a year ago, I asked to meet.. simply to he could take me to the military base with my brother in law. My husband knew of this meet up. We went, had a great time, and ended at a bar.
He asked why my husband didn’t want to join and that’s when my brother in law started sharing the realities of my husband. His friend was so surprised as all these years my husband put a different mask for his friend.
From that point, he ended up saying he always felt a connection, and I said I did too.
We had mind blowing, passionate ** - much to our instant regret. But we couldn’t stop. He has a girlfriend, I’m married to his best friend, and my husband was still cheating (still is).
The friend and I ended up getting caught about a month ago. The girlfriend still doesn’t know. But my husband obviously was furious. I literally had to stop him from killing himself. He got baker acted and is no longer allowed inside our house for the time being. The friend was sad to lose his best friend for over a decade, and I know my husband feels the same. Rather he feels worse knowing his best friend and his wife have been ** for about a year. Me and the friend never intended to be caught (silly thoughts, I know), and we never wanted to be with each other. I really do like him though, he’s everything my husband is not.. but he’s taken. And he feels weird IF we ever got together because he’s literally seen all 3 kids grow. We don’t know how we’d even explain that.
I’ve always wanted things to work with my husband and I know he wants things to work with his girlfriend. But we still can’t stop seeing each other.. the chemistry is something I’ve honestly never experienced. Again, my entire 20s+ were dedicated to someone who negated my entire existence. Cheated constantly, while I was loyal. I’m sure you’re judging me hard, I know what I did was and is still wrong. I know it has affected many things, and for this I’m
Truly remorseful.
I don’t know where to go from here.

Jun 6

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